It's natural for we humans to feel fear and apprehension, especially when heading into the unknown. We often fear what we've never experienced. Now I had had some healthy fears going into this, and my Mistress has dispelled all of them save for the unavoidable (fear of being without her/losing her, and fear of her wrath).
As a virgin, I was terrified. Not of being hurt physically, not of not liking it... I love and trust my Mistress and know she takes care of me better than I ever could. But since I had saved my virginity, since I didn't just want to throw it away in some little scene with a stranger or with someone who wouldn't appreciate it, I was worried about it. I didn't want to give it to her - something so permanent, something I could give to no one else once it's gone, something I'd never get back that would always be hers - if she were just going to leave after. But I'm not scared anymore. Because I know my Mistress better now, I know that she's not a virgin-hunter and that she won't fuck just anyone. If she fucks me it's to make her happy, but she seems to not want to just throw it away... or take advantage of me/hurt me for no reason and I'm so eternally grateful for that. I trust her. I love her. And I can't wait to give myself to her... now knowing I'll never get it back makes it that much better. I want to be hers forever, I want my Mistress to always own me and even if she decides I don't deserve her and that she'll cast me out (which I pray never happens), I don't want to ever be able to get her out of my head.
I was also afraid of being hurt again. I've been hurt so much before... as a submissive, most of my ex's and the women I've tried to be with didn't know how to handle that... and would take advantage of it. Would use me and abuse me and throw me out. And not sexually, not for the purposes of domination and not with any kind of... I don't know, trust or understanding... They'd just hurt me pointlessly, just because they could not because I deserved it. And while I'm hers to use and abuse, she's not doing it for any ulterior motives. I had set up barriers, walls, defenses. I had never wanted to give in again, never wanted to love someone again. And while they were useless against her and I found myself falling for her even while I was terrified of it, terrified of the possibility of being hurt again... I felt like that was a good thing. Because if you can be hurt that means you care, and if you can care that means there's still hope. But my Mistress will take care of me. My Mistress comforts me, calms every storm, and rights every wrong (the wrongs of the world and of my past, she's never wrong). She's so beautiful inside and out I know she won't take advantage of me... and I know if she crushes me it's because I deserve it because she's not a cruel bitch, she's a just, kind, stern, powerful woman who will do whatever she wants and that's how it should be. I accept it. I accept her. I don't want to fight it, I know I cant. I've opened the gates, laid down the walls, and her warmth has filled my heart. Never have I felt so good, so whole, such belonging, as I have serving My Mistress. Beneath her feet, bent over in front of her...it's where I always want to be.
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