Fear and Worry

It's natural for we humans to feel fear and apprehension, especially when heading into the unknown.  We often fear what we've never experienced.  Now I had had some healthy fears going into this, and my Mistress has dispelled all of them save for the unavoidable (fear of being without her/losing her, and fear of her wrath).

As a virgin, I was terrified.  Not of being hurt physically, not of not liking it... I love and trust my Mistress and know she takes care of me better than I ever could.  But since I had saved my virginity, since I didn't just want to throw it away in some little scene with a stranger or with someone who wouldn't appreciate it, I was worried about it.  I didn't want to give it to her - something so permanent, something I could give to no one else once it's gone, something I'd never get back that would always be hers -  if she were just going to leave after.  But I'm not scared anymore.  Because I know my Mistress better now, I know that she's not a virgin-hunter and that she won't fuck just anyone.  If she fucks me it's to make her happy, but she seems to not want to just throw it away... or take advantage of me/hurt me for no reason and I'm so eternally grateful for that.  I trust her.  I love her.  And I can't wait to give myself to her... now knowing I'll never get it back makes it that much better.  I want to be hers forever, I want my Mistress to always own me and even if she decides I don't deserve her and that she'll cast me out (which I pray never happens), I don't want to ever be able to get her out of my head.

I was also afraid of being hurt again.  I've been hurt so much before... as a submissive, most of my ex's and the women I've tried to be with didn't know how to handle that... and would take advantage of it.  Would use me and abuse me and throw me out.  And not sexually, not for the purposes of domination and not with any kind of... I don't know, trust or understanding... They'd just hurt me pointlessly, just because they could not because I deserved it.  And while I'm hers to use and abuse, she's not doing it for any ulterior motives.  I had set up barriers, walls, defenses.  I had never wanted to give in again, never wanted to love someone again.  And while they were useless against her and I found myself falling for her even while I was terrified of it, terrified of the possibility of being hurt again... I felt like that was a good thing.  Because if you can be hurt that means you care, and if you can care that means there's still hope.  But my Mistress will take care of me.  My Mistress comforts me, calms every storm, and rights every wrong (the wrongs of the world and of my past, she's never wrong).  She's so beautiful inside and out I know she won't take advantage of me... and I know if she crushes me it's because I deserve it because she's not a cruel bitch, she's a just, kind, stern, powerful woman who will do whatever she wants and that's how it should be.  I accept it.  I accept her.  I don't want to fight it, I know I cant.  I've opened the gates, laid down the walls, and her warmth has filled my heart.  Never have I felt so good, so whole, such belonging, as I have serving My Mistress.  Beneath her feet, bent over in front of her...it's where I always want to be.

A Letter to My Mistress

Here's a letter I wrote my Mistress:






Dear Miss ____,

I miss you so much already and it's only been a matter of minutes.  My roomie just got home so I said hi as quick as possible, shooed the dogs in her direction, and ran off to my room to jump headfirst into a daunting task... How can someone like me, unworthy, pathetic, a worthless whore... impress perfection?  What impresses the best?  Could Michael Moore impress Martin Scorcese?  I think not.  Yet I think you for the opportunity, for allowing me the attempt, for giving me an outlet for my emotion instead of just laying in bed, tossing and turning thinking about you and wishing you were here, wishing I could talk to you, wishing for you to even torture me (and not in an enjoyable way), to force me to do things I don't like just to be with you.

Imagine, for a moment... that my sex life / love life, or whatever is physically embodied... manifested... a tangible representation of the intangible.  It's a playground, a giant, sprawling playground.  And every woman I've ever had a fleeting thought about, even just a fantasy is there.  English teachers, actresses, porn stars, my hookups, my flings, my ex's... they're all there.  And you're there too, but you can instantly tell there's something wrong with the picture.  You look out of place, you're not like them.  They swing on swings and slide down slides, playing schoolyard games like hop scotch, double dutch... gossiping and starting drama and pulling each other's hair, vying for my attention in vain.  It's hopeless.  Pointless.  Futile.  There's only one I care about... An adult amongst children.  A shepherd amongst sheep.  A queen amongst peasants.   A Goddess deserving of worship and servitude.  When you speak, you demand attention.  When you act, you command respect.  They start crying, bawling like the babies they are before you dismiss them and they leave, forever.

They're gone.  They're gone because of you.  Because no matter how many I meet, all of them combined couldn't even hold a candle to your love's light, its warmth.  It's just me and you on this playground... free to do as we please.  The way I've always wanted it to be.  And the world IS a playground for you, Miss, isn't it?  It's rare someone can do whatever they want, the world powerless to stop them because she's so powerful.  I've never seen it before and I know I'll only see it again by seeing you again.  And I want to see you again and again.  I want to be in your playground forever, to serve you and love you.  Learn from you and yearn for you.  I never had many role models, I never had many lovers, and there aren't many people I've respected absolutely... someone I'd carry out their every request or demand unquestioningly, lovingly even.  I've never had a teacher, a role model, a lover, and a heroine all in one, let alone also be the best in every category hands down.  

I've never felt such a sense of belonging as I have at your feet, Miss _____.  Anywhere else I feel out of place.  It doesn't feel right.  It's uncomfortable, I don't want to be there, and I constantly long to get back to my place, my home beneath you.  I worship you and aspire to emulate you because although I know I'm infinitely unworthy and no one could ever be like you let alone someone as insignificant as myself, I know imitation is the greatest form of flattery, the highest display of gratitude.  So I beg you Miss _____, please.... oh Goddess please please please.... for the sake of all that I am, for the sake of my future, for the sake of having meaning and purpose... please keep guiding me.  Teaching me, pushing me, testing me, molding me, and owning me.  Fully, completely... Mind, body, heart, soul, existence, past present and future.  I want you to have it all.  I want to be yours.  I long to be yours.  Without you, I'm alone in a pointless playground, with every distraction like swings and slides broken and dilapidated.  But even if they were in great condition as they were now, it would be ruined without you to experience them with me.  I always want to be by your side... but I know I'm not good enough so I pray to be under your feet.  To bend for you, to break for you, to bend over for you, to cry for you, to vie for you, to die for you.  Miss _____.  I'm yours, completely and helplessly.  Always and forever.

Love and Punish,

R,

Any suggestions?  Thoughts?  Part of what I love so much about my Mistress is the tenderness...  It's not all beatings and punishment... she's very kind, too.  Beyond just the obvious like, "You're so kind for just giving me a chance, for even speaking to me, for beating me," etc...  She's just genuinely a great fucking person and it keeps me feeling constantly blessed.