I've never felt more safe, more confident in the future... more comfortable with myself, where I am, what I'm doing, and with who I'm with than I do with my Mistress. And I don't mean exclusively sexually... but the sexual chemistry helps. Like... there's no more content moment than snuggling in her arms and maybe suckling her breast... not as a means to an end or a way to work up to anything "more," just feeling completely comfortable and safe in that moment and wanting to stay there forever... just lightly sucking and enjoying the warmth in my mouth and through my body of just being with her.
Or even more "harsh" seeming things, that you wouldn't think would conjure up feelings of security... Like the more s/m oriented stuff like say... being choked or smothered by her. But that makes me feel safe too as exhilarating as it is... it's also like between surrendering the control to her and she enjoys it just as much as I do, but she'll never abuse it or REALLY hurt me... I don't know how to explain it, but I wouldn't just ask anyone to completely cut off my air supply and leave me like that 'til I can't possibly take any more... I've got to really trust the person and knowing that I can trust her like that... with my life. People say, "I trust him/her" with my life all the time, but I literally do, it's just so comforting. Better than any security blanket or team of armed guards.
Then there's the bondage... depending on the situation/context being tied up or handcuffed could be absolutely horrifying, one of the worst experiences of your life. You're so vulnerable... completely unable to protect yourself... But I WANT her to immobilize me because I need no protection against her, she can and will do whatever she wants with me... being blindfolded makes it all the better... I don't even care if I can see what she's doing or not. Just surrendering everything to her... Hell she doesn't even have to touch me, I'd enjoy it even if she bound, blinded, and gagged me and then just read a book to me.
Because even just the sound of her voice is an enormous comfort and causes me to want to submit... the things she says, the way she says them... it's the sweetest music on earth. Every inflection, instruction, tease, threat, comment, question, demand... I can never get enough of it I can talk with her for hours and hours and hours. Days. Hell I don't even have to talk, I could just listen to her without even getting to interact and I'd love it.
Just being in her presence... it's like she fills me with a warmth, knowing that I'm hers. It's like she's all I ever wanted, I just didn't know it yet. Every moment's extraordinary even the simple/little/everyday things. When I ask her how she's doing/feels/is I actually CARE about and want to hear the answer... I'm dying to hear it. And when she's happy? Oh my God. Life couldn't be better.
I just feel bad sometimes because this intense comfort relaxes me so much. Like a baby with its binky... sometime's I'll get so comfortable I fall asleep. Now, not usually through the intense/demanding stuff like being beaten, bound, and pushed to my limits. But for example... when suckling her breast or when laying with her, holding in an enema. The anticipation of what's to come afterwards excites and thrills me... but having her hold me and love me and whisper encouragement... just feeling so intimate with/connected to her overpowers me. The relaxation, the love, the anticipation... it's like it's too much for me to handle all at once and I drift off... it happens almost every time. I don't want her to think I'm bored, or disinterested... that couldn't be farther from the truth I love everything she does to me and want her to do anything she wants... but idk it's like swinging in a hammock on a warm, but mild spring afternoon and as the sun sets on you it warms you from all over... almost from inside out. I can't help it... like clockwork during the rinse cycle I drift off because she's so good.
I never felt like this before. I never felt completely trusting of someone else and even dependent upon them. I always just relied on myself and felt like everyone I've trusted has betrayed it... It's so intense just giving up that control, that trust... that it gets me teary sometimes, and other times just makes me want to pass out. I can't explain it... it has a profound effect on me and moves me to my limits. It's like my brain has to shut down everything going on around me and all my voluntary functions to process the mindfuck that's been given to it by the existence of such a perfect woman for me... which I had thought didn't exist for most of my life. I guess it's sort of like seeing God... finding a "soul mate" had that mystical aspect to it, and now I feel like I have found mine. It's just insane.
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