Fear... and Relationship Economics

In my last post, I didn't really go into much detail about our fear of the relationship failing.  It wasn't really a significant fear... I mean I'm not terrified or anything, but there is SOME fear.  Now I consider myself a rational person, and my Mistress is as well.  If either of us didn't think there was a chance, if not a good chance, of this relationship we're in working out, we obviously wouldn't be in it.  The fear would surpass our confidence.  Now I am pretty confident we will "work" together (granted, a good number of relationships fail.  Almost every relationship that's started in the U.S. fails.  Hell, a lot of marriages fail and that's a legal and sacred bond and oath you're supposed to honor... an oath to stay with that person thick and thin.  And time and time again, people turn tail and run when things start getting hard.  Relationships are hard.  It's work.  Everything that's worth doing and is good involves work... and I think people forget this and think that relationships are all fun and games... so they flee from their marriages when things get hard and seek out that "new love" that's still so fun and fresh and doesn't have much work yet.  Having at least SOME fear of a relationship (or anything else in life worth doing) failing is not only NORMAL... it's actually a GOOD thing!  "WHAT?!  What's wrong with you?!  How can fear possibly be a GOOD thing," you ask?  Don't worry... I'll tell you!

To get anything good in your life you've got to take a risk.  Nothing's free and by making one decision or taking one thing, you're actively choosing to give up something else.  It's sort of like the "economics" of relationships. By getting into a relationship with one person, you're getting not only that person, but their love, their body, their mind, all they have to offer etc etc.  But in getting that person and all they have to offer, you're actively choosing to give up the possibility of being in a relationship with everyone else in the world, the possibility of sex with everyone else in the world... etc.  So you've got to think the person's worth it if you're serious about it and not a cheater/player.

Anytime you think something or someone is "worth it," that is, worth the risk of failure that's naturally involved and everything you're giving up to be with him/her, you'll be afraid of things turning sour.  You don't want to miss out on everything you gave up for nothing, and you obviously don't want to get hurt.  Say you were making a business investment... even if it's the most sound investment possible, almost 100% guaranteed to pay off and pay off better than anything else you could possibly put your money into... you'll worry about it going under, at least a little.  Why?  Because by putting your money into that investment, you can't use it for other things.  You can't make other investments, you cant use that money for personal pleasure, bills, leisure, family, putting into savings, etc.  And not only can you not use that money for other things while it's tied up in the venture, if the investment goes belly up, you'll have lost all that money! So if you care about its success, you'll worry about it's failure.

A relationship is essentially an emotional investment.  You're investing your time and heart and feelings with one person, and by doing that not only are you giving up the ability to invest your time, heart, etc. with others... But if things go sour you will feel like you "lost" all that time and by being hurt you'll almost feel like you've lost some of yourself or some of your heart.  SO... in a relationship... if your partner isn't at least a LITTLE worried about failure, your partner is either delusional / not a rational person... Or they don't care about you.

Ask your partner if she's worried about things ending / things going sour.  If she says no, it is probably for one of two reasons.  The less likely in reality (but the more likely explanation she will give you) is that she doesn't think it can possibly fail.  If she isn't lying, she is ignoring the fact that 99% of relationships in the united states fail and that they're in one of those relationships, and that on average (I forgot where I heard this and I don't have the source) women report having around 5 sex partners before getting married, and I think men said around 20.  Honestly I think the women probably lowball fibbed it and the men probably embellished it, due to the social expectations we have of the genders' sex lives.  The truth, for both genders, is probably somewhere between those two numbers.  Granted it's hard to quantify since there are plenty of outliers in both genders... people who have had sex with hundreds before getting married and people who married their first sexual partner.  Everyone's different... but statistically... you're more likely to be 1 of 5 or 1 of 20 than 1 of 1.  (Or, for divorcees who remarry, 1 of 2, 1 of 3, etc).

So... The more likely scenario, if she says that she believes the relationship has no way in hell of failing, that you two are definitely getting married and growing old together and then dying together, is that she's lying.  She doesn't fear the relationship ending because she doesn't care about you.  If you care about someone you will worry about losing them because you don't want the heartache, you don't want to lose such an important part of your life and if it's a good relationship, such a great and wonderful part of your life.  But who knows.  Maybe she just is not a rational person, and thinks solely with emotions rather than with logic.  The relationship feels good and feels like its never going to end so she believes it won't, regardless of all the unpredictable things that could possibly happen in the future.

That being said, if you're paralyzed with fear and absolutely terrified to the point where you don't want to do anything and constantly need to ask your partner for reassurance... maybe it's because you think it WILL end.  I'm no relationship expert, I'm no marriage counselor...  These are just some conclusions I've been drawing after talking a lot about my fears and worries with my Mistress.  I've come to the conclusion that it's a good thing I'm scared... because it means I care.  I'm scared because I don't WANT to lose her, I know it would do emotional damage if it did.  And if someone can do emotional damage to you... then they can also do a lot of emotional good.

While I am scared of losing her... I'm also confident that if I DO... it's not going to happen anytime soon.  Communication is tantamount in a successful relationship, and we've got a constant stream of communication.  We're always communicating.  We love communicating.  It's one of the things we do best.   I feel so safe and comfortable with her I just love talking to her about everything and anything.  I don't feel like I have to hide anything from her, for once I feel like I can just honestly be myself and she'll accept me and I love it and love her for that.  So... though I'm scared and worried... I'm also confident and happy.  Because while it's such a rare thing for relationships to work out that it's daunting... it's also such a rare thing to find someone who will accept you as you are no matter what you tell them that it's comforting.  If it comes to an end... I think it will be peacefully because we just grew apart.  But honestly, we're so similar I see us growing together much more likely than growing apart.  But people change.  Who knows what she or I will be like in 10 or 20 years.  That's how I think it would end if it does... after a very long, healthy, good time together.  Because we're not cheaters.  We're one-person people.  And we've got so much else in common, too.  So I'm going for it.  I'm diving in headfirst, and I can't wait to see what lies in store for us.

(Note:  I've been saying she not because of any sexism, just simple population. 51% women 49% men).