I fucked up again. I failed her, disappointed her, fell short of her expectations... I'm an awful slave and a waste of space/worthless human being. The minute details are unimportant... basically I was supposed to do some simple tasks, then call her at a certain time. While writing her an email, I fell asleep and missed the call time.
This is not the first time something like this has happened. Basically, the majority of my failings come from lack of sleep / falling asleep / not being woken up by alarms. This is not an excuse (there's no excuse for failing my Mistress... My only goal and my only purpose is to make her happy, regardless of what I have to do. I have to get my fucking shit together) but an explanation of the situation. I've always been sort of prone to tiredness / usually require more than the average amount of sleep (9 hours does me much better than 8). I've been getting less than what I really should lately, since aside from the giddiness/excitement of being with my Mistress there couldn't possibly be enough hours in the day to spend with her. She's on my mind constantly, and unless I'm completely 100% spent that also makes it difficult to fall asleep, aside from not wanting to go to bed to spend more time with her.
Well anyways, I got very little sleep last night because I needed to drive a family member from an out of state courthouse back home since his license was temporarily revoked/removed in a neighboring state, so I had to wake up much earlier than usual and stayed up much later than usual with her. So I was ultra-sleep deprived. Driving, especially on the highway, I guess thanks to the monotony, the rhythm, or the vibrations I find very relaxing, and it can sort of lull me into sleep. So I stopped at a dunkin donuts to get a large iced coffee. I don't drink coffee very often, so it will give me an artificial boost / perk me up... make me more alert. It won't, however, if I'm sitting back at home keep me from falling asleep at all. So, while writing my Mistress an email I fell asleep.
Now normally I set as many alarms as my phone will allow (3) as soon as I get instructions. I didn't today because the coffee tricked me into feeling alert... I just jumped right into my tasks wanting to get them done well and in plenty of time for her. Well, my plan backfired as next thing you know I'm being woken up by a VERY pissed Mistress' phone call. I was (and still am) beside myself with anger (at myself for letting this happen again), fear, disappointment, depression, etc. Pretty much every negative emotion you can possibly feel... It's my job, it's my only fucking purpose in life, my only duty, responsibility, etc... to make my Mistress happy and I fucking failed.... it's the only thing I want, the only thing I care about, the only thing I take joy, comfort, solace, pleasure in... The only reason I live and I fucking fail.
Things had been going so good. I was so happy. We were getting along so well. And I fucked it up. I know she doesn't need this. She has so much going on I want to be someone she can come to and be happy with, something she can look forward to, something she can know she will never dread or never be disappointed by. I feel like it would be better to get grueling, arduous tasks that would be IMPOSSIBLE for me to fall asleep during since this is what most of my problems stem from and there is NOTHING... NOT A FUCKING THING I would not do for this woman. If it would make her happy, done. And done with a smile. No matter how dirty, how depraved, how disgusting, how painful, how stressful, how extreme, how frightening, etc...
I'm straight. If it would even make her chuckle, I would choke myself on the biggest cock in New England and gulp down every last fucking drop and moan while doing it. It would damage my psyche, it would destroy my pride, and it would hurt my soul so I know she'd never request it... and that's part of why I love her so much. She's just so fucking great. She CARES. She's a genuinely good person and we've got so fucking much in common... I just want to make her happy so fucking bad. If she told me to jump off her roof because she'd never seen anyone do it, done... If she wanted me to leave visiting a family member I hadn't seen in years out of state, drive to her, pick up a glass of water sitting next to her to raise it to her lips so that she might quench her thirst, I'd thank her for picking me for the task. If she asked me to impersonate one of her family members and get pinched in his place and spend years in jail for her... I would. I'm afraid of heights... if she wanted a skydiving partner I'd jump with her. I've a bee/wasp phobia... if she wanted fresh honey I'd become the best fucking beekeeper in the States for her. If she were always one step ahead of me I'd follow for years in her footsteps, kissing the ground she walked on and feeling blessed just to be where she's been and feel a little bit closer to her. There is NOTHING too big she can ask of me. I would break my "hard limits" for her... i.e. let her do those disgusting despicable fetishes to me (not that she'd want to... but this is hypothetical) or put me through extreme torture and not just grit my teeth and take it, but beg her for it and stay hard through the whole fucking thing. If she became seriously injured and was teetering on the brink of life and death, I'd die myself just to confront God and demand he send her back since she fucking makes the world go round and a life without her in it isn't a life I want to live anyways. It's a meaningless life, it's not really "living" at all it's just survival. It's eating a little here and there, drinking sometimes, breathing. But never being happy. Never trying for success. Never striving to better myself. Why? Because she comes FIRST. Forever and always. EVERYTHING in my life is secondary to her. She's what makes me smile. She's what brings me pleasure. She's what fills my heart with joy. She's what gets me out of bed in the morning. (Really, without her, I'd just sleep as much as possible because I wouldn't want to be conscious without her around). She's what keeps me healthy or, in times like these... the loss of her / disappointing her makes me ill. (I seriously have worried and saddened myself sick. I had just gotten over a very bad tummy situation, and worrying and obsessing about this, crying and carrying on, etc... is starting to bring my symptoms back. I don't feel good, but the physical pain I feel is nothing compared to the pain I'm in when she's not around). She's what keeps my lungs filled with air. She's what keeps me on the straight and narrow. She's what keeps me pushing myself. She's what makes me whole. She's what makes me me. She's what makes me tick. She's the only thing I want, need, desire, care for, live for... etc. She's everything. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Fully devoted. Every last cell in my body is hers.
Unfortunately or maybe fortunately I don't think she quite wants me to go to any of these extremes to prove my love to her... though I gladly would. Though, if she were the type to want me to do such things she wouldn't be what makes her... her.
Until then, I must be diligent. I CAN NOT let this keep fucking happening. I CAN NOT disappoint her again. I WILL NOT. She means too much to me. I've got to redouble my resolve. I need a plan. A solid-surefire plan to keep from falling asleep even if I haven't gotten any in days. This is what I'm thinking (any suggestions would me MUCH appreciated):
1. Any sedentary/sitting/immobile tasks will be done in an uncomfortable position/seat or, preferably if possible STANDING UP.
2. As many alarms as possible will be IMMEDIATELY set upon receiving tasks. My 3 alarm phone is not enough, I need more.
3. As soon as possible I will go to the store and buy several LOUD alarm clocks, specifically made to wake ANYONE up (I've seen ones that are sort of old-styled with the bells, but the bells are huge and they're just obnoxiously loud. I need to find one of those).
4. In addition to setting alarms / until I can buy one of those clocks, whenever possible/applicable I will let someone else know about the time I need to complete tasks, and ask them to check on me and ensure that I am awake, alert, and accomplishing my goals.
5. I will be up front and honest with my Mistress about how tired I am and needing more sleep. I usually don't want to go to sleep because I want to keep spending time with her... But in the long run it would be better for this to last for years because I can remain alert and actually accomplish her tasks than to get a couple more hours a day, but it only lasts for a few more weeks 'cause I keep falling asleep and failing.
6. I will review this list of rules/guidelines with my Mistress and add/edit/delete anything she sees fit as needed, and contact her when I think of other, helpful things to add.
7. I will refer to this list on a daily basis to strengthen my resolve and remind me that success is not an option, it is a NECESSITY.
8. I will always remember that I am replaceable. There are millions of msubs.
9. My Mistress is irreplaceable. I am unworthy of her because she is perfection personified and deserves to be worshiped every second of everyday.
10. My Mistress' happiness is tantamount. I WILL make her happy or MY LIFE is OVER. NO EXCUSES. NO MORE MISTAKES ALLOWED.
Any suggested additions/deletions/edits to this would be much appreciated. I really am lost without my Mistress. I'm not saying it just to gain her favor, appease her anger, impress anyone, be dramatic, etc. When she's not around I worry myself sick, I go out of my mind, I over-analyze everything and every little possible action arouses great anxiety. I need her guidance. I need her wisdom. I need her firm hand. I need to be trained, to be made better... because I'm pathetic. I can't even stay awake to write her an email. This shit has GOT to change. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me, she's made me more happy and feel more fulfilled on so many levels than anything ever before and I WILL NOT just accept defeat laying down, I will NOT just whine about how it makes me tired and I can't help falling asleep. I WILL focus and beat this. I WILL make her happy. I WILL serve her. I WILL be hers forever. I need it. I can't live without it and I won't lose it, I won't waste this opportunity, her time, and I sure as fuck won't hurt her. I can't accept that. I can't let myself do that. I'm a worthless fuck up but this is one thing I can not afford to fuck up. It's just not an option. It's just not something I could live with myself after. I would never forgive myself and I'd always regret it. I need help because I'm not worthy of her and I need her to teach me the way... but I should not be making things difficult on her and I should not be failing her and I need to do everything she tells me to. I have to. I just have to. I can't go on like this. I can't keep doing this.
So please. If you have any suggestions, please tell me. They'll be much appreciated. I'm very new and she's quite experienced, but we're SO good together I have to exhaust every possible effort or whatever... I need to do everything I can to make this work.
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