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Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Complete Control, Total Surrender/Capitulation

Seems to be I surrender more of myself to my Mistress with every passing day.  I love her more than I've ever loved anyone or anything, so I'm always at my upper limit... it feels like I couldn't possibly love her anymore than I do because I already love her so much... I don't know what "more" is or what it feels like.  But each day it gets pushed, I love her a little more than the last.  She has a little more control over me...

Which is just as exhilarating because I likewise feel like she already has complete control, that I'd do anything for her and she owns every last bit of me, mind, body, soul... yet each day I feel somehow more powerless, helpless, obsessed.  I guess it's like, though I'd already do anything to make her happy... I keep discovering/realizing specific new things I'd do for her that I wouldn't for anyone else.  I get more willing to do those "unpleasant" things or even start wanting to do them / thinking I'll enjoy them because it would make her happy.

It's like I'm a clay/putty in her hands.  Even though she's always been able to warp me into whatever shape she wants and do anything with me that she wants... in the beginning... fresh out the package, completely unmolded, unmolested... fresh out the box, still in a square... I was stiff, maybe even a little resistant to the touch.  But she fixed that, and whipped me right into shape quick...  Each time she morphs me and changes me, works me and kneads me, it gets easier.  I get softer.  I want her touch that much more... I can't wait until she makes me perfect... until I'm the exact shape, design, patter, mold etc. that she wants and she can fire me up in the kiln, preserving me that way for eternity.

Maybe that's the pinnacle, the point when she has complete control, when I've totally surrendered.  When she fires up the kiln.  Burns herself into me... the template she wants me to fit.  When there's no going back... when she collars me.  I'm sure our relationship will still grow, I'll still learn and change as a person slightly under her hand... but I don't think it will be major changes.  It will be like painting/repainting the figurine... putting on different clothes... different accessories, just small alterations clay statuettes undergo here and there to satisfy her whims and desires.

But I'll be molded and formed exactly how she wants me.  I think that's when my "training" will be complete and the REAL fun will begin...  I don't know if I could love her "more" after that point... after I officially vow my complete, permanent devotion to her.  I don't know... I guess it will grow in time, but I don't think there'd really be any other rewards, punishments, exercises, etc. that could increase my feeling at that point... It's like the collaring is graduation...  You'll still learn things afterward, but you've got the majority of the info ingrained and you're just improving upon it, perfecting techniques, expanding experiences... moving on from the learning and mentoring stage to me actually "doing my job."  Being a pro... knowing what needs to be done and what she wants me to do always without her telling me and morphing me... Like a dog completing obedience school you'll still "learn" and sort of receive some "training" on the go just by doing things that need to be done, but she won't have to sit down and specifically teach and train me... I'll just get better as we go.

I can't wait.  I want it so bad... Not just to be hers forever, but I want to be so perfect for her... I want to be so whipped I anticipate and get ready to do what she wants before she even wants it so the instant she makes a demand of me I fulfill it.  I want to be the best slave/pet/bend over boyfriend/whore/slut etc of all time for her.  I want there to be stories, poems, and songs written about my love for her and how completely and utterly I serve her and am devoted to her.  I don't want to do anything else except for what Mistress wants.  I want no "leisure," no "alone time," I just want to be hers and my whole life to be spent pleasing her and doing nothing else.  I'm her puppydog.  Sitting patiently, excitedly, longingly at the door when she leaves, staring at it the entire time trying to wish/will her back with conviction and going completely nuts when she does get back, jumping up and down, so thrilled just to be in her presence, to love her and be loved by her.

It's what I want more than anything.  More than money, more than "women" (I just want her, my Mistress... I don't want to "go out and get laid all the time," have sex with hundreds of whores/sluts etc....) I don't want a "dominant" that keeps a few slaves non-24/7 and just satisfies each others sexual desires rather than really having complete ownership and full control over them to the point they'd do anything for their Mistress and then has normal vanilla sex with other guys and maybe even submits to them.  I want to be completely devoted to my Mistress.  I don't want children because they'd demand my attention away from her.  I don't want hobbies, I want her to be my hobby.  I ideally don't even want us to have to do real "work," making profitable investments or owning businesses you can step back from and just manage and check on would be ideal or doing something like in the entertainment industry or something flexible that you can leave/step away from to devote time to other things.  Teaching at a public school, if nothing else, to at least spend summers with her.  Maybe move to alaska to get paid just to live there.  I want even my dying thoughts to be of her.  I want to be hers forever... FOREVER.  I'd even sell my soul to her, if possible.

This is my life.  This is what I want.  At highschool reunions when asked what I do, I want to just say, "Please Mistress, make her happy, tend to her every need and desire.  Care for her, love her, spend every waking minute she'll allow me to with her.  It's a full-time commitment so I don't work, I don't go/hang out with people, I just do what she wants me to and love every fucking minute of it.  Couldn't be happier.  What do you do?  Fight with your wife and yell at your kids?  Look for a cure for cancer?  Oh yeah my Mistress got it a couple years ago and I cleared it right up lickety split."

I've never been into "financial domination," I always considered it a euphemism for prostitution... but idk.  My Mistress owns me 24/7, it's not like I'm taking some slut shopping once or twice a month and in exchange she slaps and teases me, maybe has sex with me.  But she owns me.  I'm hers... her possession, her toy.  So I feel like, by proxy, she owns everything I did before I met her... like I used to own my body, my mind, my soul, etc... but now she does.  I and everything I am and everything I have is now hers and whatever she wants material, physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, intellectual... I'll give her.

So... while I feel like I'm completely devoted... I know it will grow.  I'm as devoted as I can get/make myself/choose to be...  I want to do everything to her... but her training, her direction, her guidance will make me involuntarily even more devoted.  It's not something I can control, because she controls me and as she manipulates (not in a bad/derogatory way) me into what she wants, she'll make me even more devoted and the collaring will complete the process, the journey... I'll have arrived at my destination and I plan to stay forever.

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