Breastfeeding
Sunday, July 29, 2012
The Opening Night (Part 3)
If you haven't read: Part 1, Part 2
Mistress and I make out and toy with each other - she runs her hands through my hair and tugs it much harder than during the enema; her bites, pinches, face-slaps, and ass-spanks are all more forceful as well - up until I almost forget about what is to come next, or at least the nervousness starts fading. As soon as she sees me relax in comfort like it is any other day, she wrestles and pins me against the bed on my belly; my ass hangs over the side's edge. I submit rather quickly - I go limp and she positions me exactly how she pleases, my arms and legs both spread towards the bed's head and base. I am convinced I'll be in this position for a mini-eternity and breathe deep, trying to get at least a little comfy all over again.
"Stay! I mean it, bitch-boy, don't you dare move a fucking muscle."
"Yes, Mistress!"
I bark back and remain frozen like a child playing tag. After waiting so long each minute seems like hours and I want her more than I've ever wanted anything... I want to give myself to her and be hers forever. I can hear her doing something, getting things ready and the curiosity kills me. She is back behind me diagonally (my right arm and leg are spread towards the headboard which is up against the wall. She's at a table to the bed's right also along the wall) and for a second time this night I am looking over my shoulder back at her, trying to spy her plans and preparations. As soon as I get the slightest glance of her now-harnessed body, her whole arm abruptly lashes out and her wrist cracks a paddle across my ass with lightning speed sending stinging shockwaves down my legs and up my spine and the slapping sound echoes throughout the room. I face forward with my jaw dropped making breathy, quiet, "Ow-oh-owwwwww," noises while she crosses to me. I am flabbergasted, I see her for only a second in which she's not facing me at all, it was like she had...
"No, I don't have eyes in the back of my head, baby boy. But I own you, your body and your thoughts. Now you've been a bad boy," she spanked me again to accentuate her point, "So I'm going to ensure you don't go anywhere. I don't need you getting any second thoughts or anything, thinking you'll back out!"
"Nono, Mama, I wouldn't dare..." Truth be told I am getting a little nervous - sweaty palms and hoarse throat betraying my pretended confidence. Not that I don't want it, since brought up it had been on my mind constantly. I can remember the first mention of it (when she said she was into it I asked, "Y-you want to play with my ass," incredulously. "Yeah, this is what I do. Come on boychik what do you think this is?" That had made me blush hard as I ever had and with what I thought was a casual demeanor, but was actually an awkward ass croaking, "Nono... I'm cool with it... That's cool I just only... I like... Uh..." A slap to the face helped me along, "Haven't had anything up there but a finger or two." She cocked an eyebrow, "Nothing? No toys, no dicks, no - " I nodded and chimed in, "-thing. I'm a virgin"), but since then it became a fantasy for both of us, something we were longing and waiting for... I want it so bad, I just know that once it happens things will be completely different and there's no going back.
My feeble protest made no difference in her action, she secured me in place, tying my left arm and leg to the baseboard and my right arm and leg to the headboard. She then tied the blindfold back 'round my head and finished me off with a pair of worn panties (that I noticed she'd been wearing for 3 days, had she been planning this?) shoved deep in my mouth and held in with duct tape as a yummy make-shift gag.
"Can't have you screaming bloody murder, making neighbors call cops, can we?" She starts spanking me with much more strength and for much longer. In record time she had my ass a deep, sore red and if I tried to push forwards against my restraints to tuck my tush in, she'd tug on my balls until I was back out perfectly perked for her. She stops spanking me for a brief moment, but soon returns with a bite right on my buttcheek, leaving a row of darker red teeth marks on and already beaten and battered bum. I let out a yelp around the panties that by now are soaked with my saliva after being brutally bitten and sucked during the spanking... her taste actually brings me comfort.
Immediately following the bite I feel her fingers spreading warm lube around my hole prior to pushing into my pucker and initially I pull my hips forwards, but another ball-tug and squeeze puts a quick death to that. She pokes in all different directions when entering and withdrawing, spreading me out so she can soon squeeze in her middle finger in addition to the index. I'm easing up and starting to pant heavily. Suddenly she stops, fingers sitting in the same spot for several seconds. "Push back. Fuck yourself on it like the little schoolgirl slut you are." I whimper and immediately grind down on them, rolling my hips and impaling myself on her fingers, trying to do it with a downward pressure so she probes my prostate on each gyration.
She allows me to pleasure myself in this manner for some time, but removes them when upon deciding I'm loosened and lubed up sufficiently. I take a deep breath and swallow hard - I can feel her changing positions and hear lube being slathered on something behind me. I wasn't able to see, but she had just removed the dildo from her hot pussy, attached it to the harness, and was currently lubing it up behind me, licking her lips.
My cheeks spread apart once more, this time almost painfully far as she placed a palm on either cheek and leaned forwards, parting them with great pressure which left my ring completely exposed and stretched out a little himself. She blew on it and the tickling sensation forced a giggle from my throat which distracts me from my situation for just an instant. The instant she first penetrated her baby boy.
I squeeze my eyes tightly shut, tears just beginning to bud on the corners of the lids, wincing while my asshole stretches open, forced apart by her 7" long, 1.5" thick strap-on. She doesn't enter in a smooth, constant motion; instead she stops at regular intervals, giving me time to stretch slowly and get used to such a long, thick instrument in my ass. It clenches on the intruder, almost as if trying to force it out albeit feebly. She leans down and whispers in my ear while sliding her hands up to my shoulders to gently knead. "Relax, baby boy. Don't fight it... Submit."
I nod my head and try to take a deep breath, progress gets a little easier. Before my brain can really process what's happening and the explosive sensations and emotions I'm feeling she's fully in and laying all her weight on my back and rear... pushing in so deep. I squeal, indeed not unlike a schoolgirl, being pinned and penetrated beneath her. She bites my ear and moans out, "Ungh, Mama's home!" I'm shaking and shivering, biting my lips and squeezing my eyes tight. She kisses, then licks my cheek and says, "It's okay, baby boy... let it out," before ripping off the duct-tape.
With a whimper, the sob I'm choking back escapes in full force, flushing my eyes out and open with tears and my whole body goes limp and the panties plop onto the bed-top. In giving in to it, every muscle relaxes and she starts rolling and gyrating her hips on top of mine, fucking my ass with all her weight in a slow, but steady rhythm. She times her thrusts with my inhales and exhales so I involuntarily fuck myself onto her. I'm not crying from the pain... it hurts a bit, but also feels so good. I'm just so happy, so thrilled, so overcome, so verklempt. The love of my life is making love to me and I couldn't be happier... it's just so overpowering it's impossible for me to do anything else.
"Mmm, yeah... I told you I'd fuck you 'til you cry... Good boy, just lay there and take it like the slut you are..." I can only nod and moan like a whore, I'm unable to speak or respond even though I've been de-gagged. She's slipping in with progressively more speed and power, and I'm left squirming - almost struggling against myself, against how good it feels... unable to do much of anything productive. I'm just in sensory overload, I can still taste her cunt and ass from her panties and now smell them since they lay next to me, my ass is being ripped open, and my throbbing cock is being forced into the bedsheets with every thrust.
She fucks me for hours... she fucks my brains out. Before we're done she winds up unbinding me and fucking me in almost every position imaginable... so many I lose track. She fucks me on my back with my legs held up with the backs of my knees on her shoulders, on my side with a leg raised, doggystyle, and even has me ride her for a bit (which was awkward, after a while I was so spent I was almost collapsing after every bounce). She reapplies the numbing lubricant and astroglide many times during the marathon, but just after around the halfway point the soreness started breaking through. It felt good, though... I loved having her pound me like an animal, though it felt like she was holding back just a bit... which maybe was good I was certainly sore, but felt safe and loved, too.
After a while we both just need a breather and she pushes me off of her and spoons with me a while - her chest and hips pressed up against my back since my front was soaked in tears and precum, cock still throbbing. She teases it with a hand, jerking just until I'm on the edge of explosion, then stopping or squeezing the base or my balls. I whimper and whine and she asks, "How do you feel, baby boy?"
"Amazing, Mommy. It's sore but it feels so good, I think I'm gonna want it again and again."
"Good, because we're gonna do this everyday from now on. You're my Bend Over Boyfriend, now. Wanna cum?"
"Ohhh, yes, Mommy! Please, please Mommy can I-"
"No! Hahahaha. You're mine. This cock is mine. And now this ass is mine. I'm gonna take it WHENEVER and WHEREVER I want it, got that? I OWN you!"
"Yes, Mommy."
"Good... now get up. I'm gonna fuck you again."
(The end?)
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
The Opening Night (Part 2)
If you haven't read part 1....
Mistress' fingers poke and prod in all different directions, opening me up and getting me used to having something in my ass. Sliding in and out slowly, the tight grip of my virgin ring keeps her from getting too forceful without causing quite a bit of pain... Even the current deliberate pace causes some... although its quite erotic to me. The numbing lubricant she applied keeps it from stinging and burning too much.
As soon as I start getting severely turned on and into it - my face fully flushed as red as my recently spanked ass, breathing heavy, and some sweat beading on my brow - she removes her fingers which elicits a wanting, whimpering moan from my lips and some strong push-back from my hips. A spank meets my ass as she allows me to bask in that sultry voice, hot and soothing as a sauna, "Ooooh! The dirty baby boy can't get enough! Yeah, I'll turn your virgin ass into a pussy, yet. Just you wait and see." My heart stops in place, upon her completion of those words, I know I'll get what I'd waited for and wanted for so long: to give her my virginity. I bite my bottom lip to keep the tears from flowing right there... one still manages to sneak out and roll down my nose, dropping down onto the bed.
"Yes, Mistress. I can't wait..." My speech is broken and husky and all her treatment makes me ache with desire - my member throbs and quite a little mess of pre-cum builds up on the bed. I'm wiggling my hips all around, missing Mistress' fingers, wanting them to return oh-so-bad. Instead of feeling fingers, my previously poor lonely pucker feels a foreign intruder prod and push against it - the nozzle to the enema - the larger, longer douche nozzle.
It causes me to jump and squirm, her expert touch brings back goosebumps and makes every hair on my body stand on end electrified. She slides the nozzle in and out, fucking me with it while rubbing and kissing my back and she mixes in pinches and bites to keep me on my toes. Before long she decides she has the nozzle and me right where she wants us (the nozzle inserted deeeeep inside me) and turns her hands' attention to my belly and her equipment. She leans in to whisper in my ear, "Take a deep breath, baby boy..."
I coo a, "Yes, Mistress," prior to a long moaning exhalation. I feel warm flowing water flush into me and Mistress' pristine, pampering palms knead my belly, placating any and all cramping. In addition to her massaging hands, she whispers pleasantries, sweet-nothings, and praise all along... for example, "Ooh, you're doing so well, baby boy," "You're so full," or "Mama's so proud of you." The combination of everything - the warmth inside my belly, the warmth her hands cause outside my belly, her soothing voice's warmth, her body's warmth... is just so calming and relaxing. No massage parlor, meditation guru, or yoga class can compete for comfort and stress reduction with my Mistress.
Before I know it the first third of 2 quarts slightly soapy solution sloshes around inside me and she stops the flow. "Roll over onto your belly for Mama, baby boy," she gives my hip a light, encouraging pat as she speaks. I roll over and she props up my waist with some pillows underneath so my eager rump rises high. The position gets me so hot and bothered, but before my hips have a chance to really wiggle, the water's rushing into me again and I let out a moan of pleasure and desire.
"Aww, what a good boy... Take a deep breath," her voice is so soft, almost supple and my heart starts welling up in my chest. My Mistress, though able to be quite strict and sadistic, has such caring and gentle moments, too. I feel so lucky to be hers and my eyes start tearing up, remembering past experiences and how wonderfully different she is from everyone I'd ever met my entire life. Sometimes it feels as if we were brought together by some supernatural force and this is one of those times.
I can feel my gut distending and I groan, "Unnghh... getting kind of crampy, Mistress."
"Crabby? You're always crabby, 'cause you're a naughty baby boy who needs my firm hand to guide him! I'll put you to sleep soon if you're so crabby..."
"Not crabby, Mistress! Crampy... like my belly is all bloated." I smirk and try not to chuckle for fear that I might make a mess if I move my tummy muscles wrong, she never ceases to make me laugh even at the oddest moments. She reaches underneath me and begins massaging me again, I soon feel strange gurglings in my belly as water gushes deeper into my colon.
Involuntarily I wriggle my rump around again and she chomps my cheek, leaving red rows of teeth imprints. It makes me whimper, but she kisses and rubs it afterwards, this is one of the most gentle experiences I've had with her. Before long, the flow stops again and she instructs me to roll onto my back with warm praise. I can feel the water settling into different positions and groan as she tells me to take another deep breath. I obey. On the exhale, more water flows into me.
"Oh you're doing so good, my baby boy!" I smile up at her all teary-eyed from how deeply I feel for her. I nod, thank her, and squirm around... it's filling me up and causing distension, I feel bigger than ever before. "Ungh... it's so big, Mistress... I'm so bloated... My belly... it's so big..."
"No, baby boy... no no no. It just feels that way, it looks fine it's only a little swollen, you're taking this great."
"Well you make me happy so I'd do anything to make you as happy as you make me... though I do enjoy it." I really do want to do anything for her, but at the moment all I can really do is wiggle around. After we exchange some light pleasant talk I feel and hear another gurgle... not only did the water move to a new part of my colon, but it empties out of the bag, too! "You're all done, baby boy! Now you just gotta hold it."
"Oooh... I'll try, Mistress."
"Try? No you better fucking hold it, I don't want a single drop on this bed. There will be no messes, hear me?!"
"Yes, Mistress... Sorry Mistress."
She climbs into the bed with me and starts snuggling again, kissing here... biting there... all the while rubbing and kneading my belly to try and aid the bloating. The first few minutes are a breeze and I cuddle back enthusiastically, but after around 5 minutes I start getting less peppy. The urgency increases and it feels like I have to go - NOW! My face twists into a grimace and the whining whimpers start back up, but are soon cut short as Mistress squeezes my cheeks in her hand, "HOLD IT! Or I'll shove a balloon up there!"
Her threat makes my eyes bulge out and I start clenching my butt as hard as possible. The next few moments I'm all but oblivious to her manipulations, concentrating with all my effort on keeping that hot soapy water inside me. Before long, she allows me to release and I waddle to the bathroom... so relieving. I clean myself up and strut back... but if given a DUI test at this moment I would fail I'm so light-headed.
I plop back down on the bed and rest for a moment before we repeat the whole process with a smaller, much easier rinse cycle, by the end of which I'm almost falling asleep I'm so relaxed. After the rinse, Mistress begins kissing me fervently, her hands working on my body with renewed ferocity. As she speaks, there is a hunger in her voice and she spanks my ass. The spank turns into a squeeze upon making contact, "Can you guess what's coming next, my little slutboy?" With a nervous look on my face I gulp audibly in my throat and nod my head. "Y-yeah... I think... I think you're not going to keep me a virgin much longer, are you, Mistress?" Her lips slide into her most sultry, seductive smile and she says, "Yeah... I'm claiming you as my bend over boyfriend, baby boy. It's opening night... time to spread the curtain!"
(End of part 2, but work in progress - changing tense from past to present. Part 3 coming soon!)
Mistress' fingers poke and prod in all different directions, opening me up and getting me used to having something in my ass. Sliding in and out slowly, the tight grip of my virgin ring keeps her from getting too forceful without causing quite a bit of pain... Even the current deliberate pace causes some... although its quite erotic to me. The numbing lubricant she applied keeps it from stinging and burning too much.
As soon as I start getting severely turned on and into it - my face fully flushed as red as my recently spanked ass, breathing heavy, and some sweat beading on my brow - she removes her fingers which elicits a wanting, whimpering moan from my lips and some strong push-back from my hips. A spank meets my ass as she allows me to bask in that sultry voice, hot and soothing as a sauna, "Ooooh! The dirty baby boy can't get enough! Yeah, I'll turn your virgin ass into a pussy, yet. Just you wait and see." My heart stops in place, upon her completion of those words, I know I'll get what I'd waited for and wanted for so long: to give her my virginity. I bite my bottom lip to keep the tears from flowing right there... one still manages to sneak out and roll down my nose, dropping down onto the bed.
"Yes, Mistress. I can't wait..." My speech is broken and husky and all her treatment makes me ache with desire - my member throbs and quite a little mess of pre-cum builds up on the bed. I'm wiggling my hips all around, missing Mistress' fingers, wanting them to return oh-so-bad. Instead of feeling fingers, my previously poor lonely pucker feels a foreign intruder prod and push against it - the nozzle to the enema - the larger, longer douche nozzle.
It causes me to jump and squirm, her expert touch brings back goosebumps and makes every hair on my body stand on end electrified. She slides the nozzle in and out, fucking me with it while rubbing and kissing my back and she mixes in pinches and bites to keep me on my toes. Before long she decides she has the nozzle and me right where she wants us (the nozzle inserted deeeeep inside me) and turns her hands' attention to my belly and her equipment. She leans in to whisper in my ear, "Take a deep breath, baby boy..."
I coo a, "Yes, Mistress," prior to a long moaning exhalation. I feel warm flowing water flush into me and Mistress' pristine, pampering palms knead my belly, placating any and all cramping. In addition to her massaging hands, she whispers pleasantries, sweet-nothings, and praise all along... for example, "Ooh, you're doing so well, baby boy," "You're so full," or "Mama's so proud of you." The combination of everything - the warmth inside my belly, the warmth her hands cause outside my belly, her soothing voice's warmth, her body's warmth... is just so calming and relaxing. No massage parlor, meditation guru, or yoga class can compete for comfort and stress reduction with my Mistress.
Before I know it the first third of 2 quarts slightly soapy solution sloshes around inside me and she stops the flow. "Roll over onto your belly for Mama, baby boy," she gives my hip a light, encouraging pat as she speaks. I roll over and she props up my waist with some pillows underneath so my eager rump rises high. The position gets me so hot and bothered, but before my hips have a chance to really wiggle, the water's rushing into me again and I let out a moan of pleasure and desire.
"Aww, what a good boy... Take a deep breath," her voice is so soft, almost supple and my heart starts welling up in my chest. My Mistress, though able to be quite strict and sadistic, has such caring and gentle moments, too. I feel so lucky to be hers and my eyes start tearing up, remembering past experiences and how wonderfully different she is from everyone I'd ever met my entire life. Sometimes it feels as if we were brought together by some supernatural force and this is one of those times.
I can feel my gut distending and I groan, "Unnghh... getting kind of crampy, Mistress."
"Crabby? You're always crabby, 'cause you're a naughty baby boy who needs my firm hand to guide him! I'll put you to sleep soon if you're so crabby..."
"Not crabby, Mistress! Crampy... like my belly is all bloated." I smirk and try not to chuckle for fear that I might make a mess if I move my tummy muscles wrong, she never ceases to make me laugh even at the oddest moments. She reaches underneath me and begins massaging me again, I soon feel strange gurglings in my belly as water gushes deeper into my colon.
Involuntarily I wriggle my rump around again and she chomps my cheek, leaving red rows of teeth imprints. It makes me whimper, but she kisses and rubs it afterwards, this is one of the most gentle experiences I've had with her. Before long, the flow stops again and she instructs me to roll onto my back with warm praise. I can feel the water settling into different positions and groan as she tells me to take another deep breath. I obey. On the exhale, more water flows into me.
"Oh you're doing so good, my baby boy!" I smile up at her all teary-eyed from how deeply I feel for her. I nod, thank her, and squirm around... it's filling me up and causing distension, I feel bigger than ever before. "Ungh... it's so big, Mistress... I'm so bloated... My belly... it's so big..."
"No, baby boy... no no no. It just feels that way, it looks fine it's only a little swollen, you're taking this great."
"Well you make me happy so I'd do anything to make you as happy as you make me... though I do enjoy it." I really do want to do anything for her, but at the moment all I can really do is wiggle around. After we exchange some light pleasant talk I feel and hear another gurgle... not only did the water move to a new part of my colon, but it empties out of the bag, too! "You're all done, baby boy! Now you just gotta hold it."
"Oooh... I'll try, Mistress."
"Try? No you better fucking hold it, I don't want a single drop on this bed. There will be no messes, hear me?!"
"Yes, Mistress... Sorry Mistress."
She climbs into the bed with me and starts snuggling again, kissing here... biting there... all the while rubbing and kneading my belly to try and aid the bloating. The first few minutes are a breeze and I cuddle back enthusiastically, but after around 5 minutes I start getting less peppy. The urgency increases and it feels like I have to go - NOW! My face twists into a grimace and the whining whimpers start back up, but are soon cut short as Mistress squeezes my cheeks in her hand, "HOLD IT! Or I'll shove a balloon up there!"
Her threat makes my eyes bulge out and I start clenching my butt as hard as possible. The next few moments I'm all but oblivious to her manipulations, concentrating with all my effort on keeping that hot soapy water inside me. Before long, she allows me to release and I waddle to the bathroom... so relieving. I clean myself up and strut back... but if given a DUI test at this moment I would fail I'm so light-headed.
I plop back down on the bed and rest for a moment before we repeat the whole process with a smaller, much easier rinse cycle, by the end of which I'm almost falling asleep I'm so relaxed. After the rinse, Mistress begins kissing me fervently, her hands working on my body with renewed ferocity. As she speaks, there is a hunger in her voice and she spanks my ass. The spank turns into a squeeze upon making contact, "Can you guess what's coming next, my little slutboy?" With a nervous look on my face I gulp audibly in my throat and nod my head. "Y-yeah... I think... I think you're not going to keep me a virgin much longer, are you, Mistress?" Her lips slide into her most sultry, seductive smile and she says, "Yeah... I'm claiming you as my bend over boyfriend, baby boy. It's opening night... time to spread the curtain!"
(End of part 2, but work in progress - changing tense from past to present. Part 3 coming soon!)
Monday, July 23, 2012
The Opening Night (Part 1)
Things were great with my Mistress this past week... I made surprisingly few fuck-ups and she seems genuinely pleased with her pet's performance. I'm happy, more than words can express. Our love affair seems like it can't possibly get any better, although it has a constant tendency to always get better, but everything's just so perfect (been walking on air all day) that I think I can't be happier.
I soon realize I'm wrong - she strikes me like lightning again - taken completely by storm. I meet her in the late evening; she invites me in and I greet her groveling on my knees at her feet and giving them kisses, wondering what form her training will take tonight. She looks gorgeous as ever, but also determined... like she has a specific plan in mind.
"Get up little foo-foo dog, I've got a bone for you tonight!" I respond with a typical excited, "Thank you, Mistress," while she pulls me by the hair (not too fierce or angrily but so I can feel it) as if guiding me with a leash, to her bedroom. I can't keep my lips from grinning or my head from spinning since I'm so excited about what's about to happen and curious at the same time, who knows what she has in mind?
Upon entering the room I saw a comforting, pleasant, and romantic scene. In the candle-light I see an enema bag set up and some lube by the bed... which is made up and decked out with red soft sheets. She leads me to the bed and instructs me to lay on my side with my outside knee raised and she joins me while we slip into our own sort of foreplay. She tugs my hair, kisses and bites all over, some spanks here and there. Nothing too fierce, just little electric and erotic touches to drive me wild, get me wiggling, and send shivers down my spine.
Her every action invokes a reaction, whether a soft coo, a squeal and squirm, or a breathy moan. Her meticulous molestation soon hones its attention in on my posterior... the massaging, biting, kneading, and beating (not brutal, some spanks to redden up my rear) get me so hot - I'm rock hard and rearing to go.
Then those gentle hands ease my cheeks apart and start teasing and toying with my hole, just tickling around it and skirting softly over it. I can't help myself and start pushing and grinding back against her hands and she gives me a sharp spank to remind me who is in control of everything, including pace. I moan and begin looking back over my shoulder to try and see what she is planning. As soon as I get a glance in my cheek, this time the facial one, is met with a similar slap and she stops what she is doing to get up and walk away. Still laying on the bed, I become distraught. "I'm sorry, Mistress... please. I won't look again, I promise!" She returns with a quickness and various fetish gear in tow. "You're damn right you won't, but I don't trust you dirty little slut-boy so I'm going to cuff and blindfold you," she applies the restraints, locking my hands in place behind my back ensuring I won't catch sight of her preparations.
I thank Mistress for her kindness, guidance, and training and apologize for being such a dirty boy while trying to figure out by the strange noises what she's setting up. Before all the words escape my lips I feel her applying slick lubricant to my ass and her finger slips inside; my sentence stops dead in its tracks, cut short by a moan. Although I can't see it, she is smiling down at me while gently probing my ass. First one finger, then another and I become jelly in her hands.
Her sweet voice sings out, coaxing me along, "You're enjoying this, aren't you? Moaning like a slutty little schoolgirl I answer, "Yes, Mistress... I love it, your touch is exquisite."
"What do you want me to do to you, bitch boy?"
"Please, Mistress... give me an enema? I want it so bad... please caress me and tease me and bite me while you fill me with warm water, cleaning me out... I need it, Mistress... I need you to control me, to let me submit to you completely and fully all of me... I want you to own every last part of my body and have control over everything."
"Yes... I do own you completely, Boychik. And you will submit to me."
(To be continued...)
I soon realize I'm wrong - she strikes me like lightning again - taken completely by storm. I meet her in the late evening; she invites me in and I greet her groveling on my knees at her feet and giving them kisses, wondering what form her training will take tonight. She looks gorgeous as ever, but also determined... like she has a specific plan in mind.
"Get up little foo-foo dog, I've got a bone for you tonight!" I respond with a typical excited, "Thank you, Mistress," while she pulls me by the hair (not too fierce or angrily but so I can feel it) as if guiding me with a leash, to her bedroom. I can't keep my lips from grinning or my head from spinning since I'm so excited about what's about to happen and curious at the same time, who knows what she has in mind?
Upon entering the room I saw a comforting, pleasant, and romantic scene. In the candle-light I see an enema bag set up and some lube by the bed... which is made up and decked out with red soft sheets. She leads me to the bed and instructs me to lay on my side with my outside knee raised and she joins me while we slip into our own sort of foreplay. She tugs my hair, kisses and bites all over, some spanks here and there. Nothing too fierce, just little electric and erotic touches to drive me wild, get me wiggling, and send shivers down my spine.
Her every action invokes a reaction, whether a soft coo, a squeal and squirm, or a breathy moan. Her meticulous molestation soon hones its attention in on my posterior... the massaging, biting, kneading, and beating (not brutal, some spanks to redden up my rear) get me so hot - I'm rock hard and rearing to go.
Then those gentle hands ease my cheeks apart and start teasing and toying with my hole, just tickling around it and skirting softly over it. I can't help myself and start pushing and grinding back against her hands and she gives me a sharp spank to remind me who is in control of everything, including pace. I moan and begin looking back over my shoulder to try and see what she is planning. As soon as I get a glance in my cheek, this time the facial one, is met with a similar slap and she stops what she is doing to get up and walk away. Still laying on the bed, I become distraught. "I'm sorry, Mistress... please. I won't look again, I promise!" She returns with a quickness and various fetish gear in tow. "You're damn right you won't, but I don't trust you dirty little slut-boy so I'm going to cuff and blindfold you," she applies the restraints, locking my hands in place behind my back ensuring I won't catch sight of her preparations.
I thank Mistress for her kindness, guidance, and training and apologize for being such a dirty boy while trying to figure out by the strange noises what she's setting up. Before all the words escape my lips I feel her applying slick lubricant to my ass and her finger slips inside; my sentence stops dead in its tracks, cut short by a moan. Although I can't see it, she is smiling down at me while gently probing my ass. First one finger, then another and I become jelly in her hands.
Her sweet voice sings out, coaxing me along, "You're enjoying this, aren't you? Moaning like a slutty little schoolgirl I answer, "Yes, Mistress... I love it, your touch is exquisite."
"What do you want me to do to you, bitch boy?"
"Please, Mistress... give me an enema? I want it so bad... please caress me and tease me and bite me while you fill me with warm water, cleaning me out... I need it, Mistress... I need you to control me, to let me submit to you completely and fully all of me... I want you to own every last part of my body and have control over everything."
"Yes... I do own you completely, Boychik. And you will submit to me."
(To be continued...)
Sunday, July 22, 2012
So Excited After Accidental Eavesdropping
A little while ago I accidentally overheard Mistress talking with one of her friends. She was talking about how happy she's been with me and how good I've been... while listening I couldn't help but get a goofy grin, all day I've been thinking about how great she is, how lucky I am to be with her, and how happy she makes me. When reflecting it was impossible for me not to smile wherever I was and a couple times I even started laughing about the absurdity of the whole thing... average guy like me landing himself in servitude to a complete bombshell like her. Hearing her say everything she said to him thus far made my heart feel as if it were melting, warmth and happiness spreading all through my chest and then pervading my whole body, but it got even better.
Some parts I couldn't quite make out... but after she talked about how she feels about me (which made me just burst with happiness) I can swear I heard her say something about a collar. My heart jumped inside my chest and I got instant butterflies in my stomach. I think what I've been hoping and praying for might come true soon. It'll probably just be a starter collar but I still can't wait - it's still a really big step forwards. I want something on my body symbolizing my devotion to her so bad... I want to be hers not just now, but forever. I've been so giddy and thrilled ever since... everything I've been trying so hard for seems to be getting closer to reality.
Once on, I'd never take it off. You'd have to kill me to get it off my neck. The things she does to and with me are just so wonderful... we get along so famously... I love her so much that I always want to be hers, I always want to be reminded of it, and I always want everyone else to know. I don't want any confusion, I want it loud and clear that she owns me. I just love her so fucking much I've been shaking every since I heard that... it's almost like my heart popped. It got too filled up with this mushy gushy stuff then burst everywhere, spreading it all across my whole body. I love her with every fiber of my being and I want to give her every fiber of my being.
It makes me feel so safe, loved, and comfortable knowing that I'm hers. She's possessive and I love it... she doesn't want me talking to anyone else, just do what I have to do then rush right back to her and that's the way I like it. I don't want to talk to anyone but her, I want her involved in every aspect of her life... I want her control over everything I do and it's so completely fulfilling and rewarding when she does. I don't want any freedom. I want to be her slave, always.
Some parts I couldn't quite make out... but after she talked about how she feels about me (which made me just burst with happiness) I can swear I heard her say something about a collar. My heart jumped inside my chest and I got instant butterflies in my stomach. I think what I've been hoping and praying for might come true soon. It'll probably just be a starter collar but I still can't wait - it's still a really big step forwards. I want something on my body symbolizing my devotion to her so bad... I want to be hers not just now, but forever. I've been so giddy and thrilled ever since... everything I've been trying so hard for seems to be getting closer to reality.
Once on, I'd never take it off. You'd have to kill me to get it off my neck. The things she does to and with me are just so wonderful... we get along so famously... I love her so much that I always want to be hers, I always want to be reminded of it, and I always want everyone else to know. I don't want any confusion, I want it loud and clear that she owns me. I just love her so fucking much I've been shaking every since I heard that... it's almost like my heart popped. It got too filled up with this mushy gushy stuff then burst everywhere, spreading it all across my whole body. I love her with every fiber of my being and I want to give her every fiber of my being.
It makes me feel so safe, loved, and comfortable knowing that I'm hers. She's possessive and I love it... she doesn't want me talking to anyone else, just do what I have to do then rush right back to her and that's the way I like it. I don't want to talk to anyone but her, I want her involved in every aspect of her life... I want her control over everything I do and it's so completely fulfilling and rewarding when she does. I don't want any freedom. I want to be her slave, always.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
From Vanilla to 24/7 Slave
Upon discovering sex... and later that I was into BDSM and that I was submissive... I didn't just immediately dive headfirst into a 24/7 lifestyle. Discovering that this was right for me/was what I want/need was kind of a long process. Looking back I almost wish I had done it sooner, since it feels so right... But I suppose I did it when it was right for me. Had I done it with any of my ex's... things would have been very, very bad. I'm so grateful my Mistress and I found each other when we did... I love her so much, not just for the sex/bdsm play which is great, but we just connect on such a deep level... so when I look back and compare things to now it kind of feels like I was wasting time... But I've got to remember the past and that if I hadn't gone through what I did... I wouldn't be who I am today and things might not be so beautiful between us. My past makes me who I am.
I matured at a very young age, and as such discovered sex very early in my life. (I started getting pubes around 8 and first truly masturbated around 9 or 10... I didn't come the first few times just precum which confused me, but with a little practice I was masturbating daily by 11). I can remember getting hard and thrusting against cushions / my couch at around 7 or 8 while watching The Shining (that scene where the woman comes out of the tub and is naked... the trick was watching it and pausing+rewinding JUST before she changes into that ugly nasty witch thing while dancing with Jack Torrance).
Not long later I found a VHS tape in an apartment building and picked it up out of curiosity after visiting a friend and brought it home. To my surprise it turned out to be 12 hours of porn! Oh I had much fun sneaking to the t.v. at night after my parents fell asleep to watch it in private (I was around 9 or 10). It was vanilla stuff, mostly softcore lesbian scenes... but that was enough to sate me at the time because since I was so young and knew very little of sex and hadn't really talked about it much with anyone (when I had heard a neighborhood girl say something about a vagina and asked my mom what it was, I can remember her saying, "I don't know, sounds like Spanish!") it felt taboo... "naughty," I didn't know much about what I was doing, but I sort of had a feeling that I "shouldn't" be doing it and that made me want to do it more. It helped me learn early on that the plain stuff... like guys just fucking girls, didn't do much for me... the scenes I liked most were the ones that featured analingus. But there was no BDSM to speak of.
Then at around age 11 I got my first computer... and it was all downhill from there. The internet opened me up to a whole big world of porn... I still had a feeling that what I was doing was "taboo" or somehow "wrong," so I tried my best to hide it from my parents. There were a couple incidents where I got caught... like a popup that covered the whole screen that I couldn't close... I told my dad about it and he sat me down and talked... telling me it was OK and stuff and that he'll keep it between us and not to tell my mother. Whenever my mother found anything, she'd be quite mad, but he'd calm her down and say it's normal... or ask her to send it to him (after they got divorced) so he can see for himself. I would still mostly look at vanilla stuff... mostly lesbians, anal, asslicking... I knew I liked the "dirty" stuff, but I didn't really know why or understand it yet.
I had seen BDSM stuff passing over thumbnails... but most of the popular/prevalent stuff at the time was Mdom / Fsub which didn't really pique my interest at all, I had grown up being taught to respect women (which would soon clash with how many girls I met actually wanted to be treated). It wasn't until I was in 8th grade, late 13 or early/mid 14 that I saw a woman walking a man on a leash and collar (he was walking upright, not on his hands and knees) at a local fair that I found femdom. I didn't know what it was, I didn't know why, but I was JEALOUS. I wanted her... or someone... anyone to do that to me!
When I got home I took to the internet faster than a sprinter hearing the gunshot go off... I couldn't get enough. Asslicking, facesitting, consensual non-consent, pegging, bondage, whipping/flogging/caning, pet-play... the dirtier/more taboo the better. I started with visual porn, but quickly discovered I preferred reading sex stories since they allowed me to better understand the emotional and psychological aspects to it instead of just the physical/visual. Stories where the women owned men as 24/7 slaves got me so hot and bothered... but I didn't think I'd ever actually experience it. The thought scared me... I wanted to submit, but I was so headstrong in life and even liked having control over some things (like running/organizing events, being "president" over things in school, etc) that I didn't know if I could handle it. Having every aspect of my life controlled. Not only that, but some of these stories described absolutely horrific things... I wasn't too into the ultra-extreme like horrible torture designed to really damage or maim someone, using their slaves as human toilets (the complete submission aspect of this I could understand, but the reality of the act itself grossed me out), forcing sex-changes on their slaves... the women described in a lot of these stories sounded like despicable, disgusting, hateful people. I hadn't discovered the "loving" side of BDSM yet, which was horribly under-represented on the internet and in porn at the time... and I didn't really like it just for the sake of cruelty and human torment.
Not long after I got into my first relationship. I knew I wanted to try some kink, but she'd have no part in it. She was completely vanilla and quite the opposite of dominant/confident, she was so self-conscious she wouldn't even let me eat her out. Missionary with the lights off, always. I got bored with the sex fast, but we had been friends before we got together and got along great so the relationship lasted for months... just shy of a year I think. Then came my second long term relationship. She was more experimental and introduced me to the "loving" side of BDSM, but submitting 24/7 horrified me because in a lot of ways I was more intelligent than her... and I couldn't have someone dumber than me trying to control me. Not to mention she was unstable mentally, and often put me through some pretty tough experiences, to say the least. We were passionate, though, and broke up and got back together often, but after 3 years we both had had enough.
After this I was quite jaded. I felt at times like I didn't want to be submissive anymore... Like I never wanted to let someone do the things she'd done to me again. How could I let someone control me so completely, only to just hurt me so deeply? I tried to do the "go out and get laid" thing, but that was never for me. I didn't enjoy it, I needed an emotional connection with my partner and vanilla sex doesn't do it for me. I don't feel comfortable asking someone I don't feel very close to and trust completely to dominate me. That was my mistake with the previous relationship, asking her to dominate me before I knew her well. But at the time I thought it was asking her to dominate me at all.
Without having my sexual submissive nature satisfied... I looked for satisfaction in non-sexual areas of my life. I'd try to please friends and family as best I could... I'd be too generous. Too giving. I'd do almost any task asked of me and I was commonly taken advantage of. Over time I started coming to grips with the fact that I was submissive and always would be... that I'd always want a woman to control me and guide me, but that I just needed one that was capable. That I'm a strong, proud, intelligent person who needs an even stronger, prouder, more intelligent person to control him... just any average "pro" domme or woman who wants to dominate the occasional stranger on a weekend wouldn't do. I had tried being dominated NSA, it didn't work for me.
I spent a long time looking. Putting myself out there and being rejected, meeting women and deeming them unsatisfactory... It was hard finding one that stood up to my character-standards (honesty, loyalty, etc) but would also have the same interests as me. I still wasn't absolutely positive I wanted to be dominated 24/7, but I knew I wanted to be in a relationship with a dominant woman who would dominate me well and dominate me often. I never wanted any form of "role reversal" or anything like that, but maybe submissive in the bedroom and a little less so out of it.
Eventually, I got to the point where I gave up looking. I figured there wasn't a "perfect" woman out there for me. It hurt at first, but I got used to it. I took time to focus on myself, which was actually much needed and did me well. Sorted out areas of my life that had completely deteriorated. In a lot of ways, rebuilt myself and made myself stronger. Just going about my business. Occasionally I'd see a glance, that look that says "I want you," the signs that a woman's interested... but I'd ignore them. I'd always think, "If you only knew what I would want you to do to me, you'd run the opposite direction" and go about my business.
Then... out of fucking nowhere... I met her. Maybe it was because neither of us were really "putting ourselves out there," so to speak... openly looking for someone. Maybe it was because I had taken a long siesta from looking and had improved myself and became confident in my wants/desires... I don't know. But I set eyes on her, and the rest is history. It was like lightning struck, from the second I saw her I knew she was something special, she exudes sexuality and drips confidence. She speaks with a ferocity rarely seen, you know that she's not some lost little girl without a care in the world... she knows what she wants and she knows how to get it. When in her presence it's like a trance, hypnotized. Getting to know her has been an awesome journey and each day's a blessing. Every time I discover something new about her, it's as thrilling as uncovering some great mystery.
We started speaking and soon saw we had scores of things in common, from sexuality to life experiences to non-sexual interests... It's almost like in terms of personality, sense of humor, and interests that we're mirror images of one another. But it's baffling... not only is she such a beautiful person inside, but she's drop-dead sexy outside as well. Alluring, adorable, tantalizing, enticing facial features with powerfully emotive expressions all perched atop a picture-perfect svelte physique with overbearing body language. It's intimidating and exhilarating at the same time and knowing she's way out of my league (she even works in the fucking entertainment industry [not adult entertainment]. WTF? I don't know what it is, but apparently I did something that made the big man upstairs REALLY happy) and it only makes it all the easier and pleasurable submitting to such a presence.
After just a handful of conversations / meetings with her I knew I wanted to be hers. And because of how kind, caring, giving, loving, and just sweet she can be... how honest and loyal she is... she made me feel entirely at ease. She calmed any worries I had had about being in a 24/7 relationship... it was no longer under consideration it was definite... I didn't want to just get a nut off on the weekends and then walk away... I wanted to be at her feet all the time. To please her constantly, do whatever she wants me to, to be her little slut/bitch/foo-foo dog/baby boy/pet/bend over boyfriend and love every fucking minute of it and that's exactly what I'm doing.
I'd never had imagined it would be this... perfect. It's the best decision I've ever made, by far... (submitting to her 24/7). The joy it brings me to see a smile on her gorgeous face, or here that pretty little lilting laughter... oh, there's nothing else like it. She's so addicting... more than any drug out there... when I'm not with her I'm fiending hard, I can't take it... I need more. I'd do more and worse things than any crackhead or heroin addict to have her, to appease her, to please her... She's the light of my life and serving her has been so healing, so liberating, so just fucking perfect that I thank my lucky stars and God and all potential powers that be that she's in my life and loves me. I can't imagine my life without her... I never want to go back to the way things were before I met her...
I don't make good decisions and I can't be left alone to act as I please... having her to tell me what to do and lead me and guide me and punish me if I stray from the path is so... comforting. It's like I know everything will be better than just OK, everything will be excellent, amazing, perfect if I just listen to her and keep her happy. Life couldn't be simpler! Do what Mistress says and life is perfect. Before I had no idea what to do... now I know.
So yeah... I couldn't be happier with serving my Mistress 24/7, but it took me a long time to come to that decision. Ultimately, had I not met her I don't think I'd have ever made the leap. She just made me feel so comfortable, I trust her so much and know that no harm will come of me. No one else made me feel this way, made me feel like I NEEDED to serve her. So if you're thinking about making the leap to 24/7, but are worried/unsure... I'd say if you love your potential Mistress/Master completely and unconditionally... if you always want to make them happy and if he/she is truly a good person with your interest in mind not just their own... then it will be an amazing experience. There are however some very cruel people out there who are truly only in it for themselves... I have a loving relationship with my Mistress and wouldn't want it any other way... so just be careful and try to protect yourself while you're getting to know them and don't jump in until you're sure that they're great and won't hurt you... unless you're into the extreme/cruelty but I don't know how anyone could be... When you're REALLY being punished not "funished," you're not going to enjoy it... at least I don't. Not physically, anyways... emotionally and mentally I do since it's what must be done for displeasing my Mistress and to make her happy again... But yeah. Serving her has made me the happiest I've EVER been and probably ever will be... And because of that, because of how much I love her, need her, care about her, want her, think about her, and desire her... I'll never leave her and never hurt her. She's done so much for me in such a short time... more than anyone else has and I know I can never repay her for that, but I hope serving her 'til I die completely and fully would be a good start.
I matured at a very young age, and as such discovered sex very early in my life. (I started getting pubes around 8 and first truly masturbated around 9 or 10... I didn't come the first few times just precum which confused me, but with a little practice I was masturbating daily by 11). I can remember getting hard and thrusting against cushions / my couch at around 7 or 8 while watching The Shining (that scene where the woman comes out of the tub and is naked... the trick was watching it and pausing+rewinding JUST before she changes into that ugly nasty witch thing while dancing with Jack Torrance).
Not long later I found a VHS tape in an apartment building and picked it up out of curiosity after visiting a friend and brought it home. To my surprise it turned out to be 12 hours of porn! Oh I had much fun sneaking to the t.v. at night after my parents fell asleep to watch it in private (I was around 9 or 10). It was vanilla stuff, mostly softcore lesbian scenes... but that was enough to sate me at the time because since I was so young and knew very little of sex and hadn't really talked about it much with anyone (when I had heard a neighborhood girl say something about a vagina and asked my mom what it was, I can remember her saying, "I don't know, sounds like Spanish!") it felt taboo... "naughty," I didn't know much about what I was doing, but I sort of had a feeling that I "shouldn't" be doing it and that made me want to do it more. It helped me learn early on that the plain stuff... like guys just fucking girls, didn't do much for me... the scenes I liked most were the ones that featured analingus. But there was no BDSM to speak of.
Then at around age 11 I got my first computer... and it was all downhill from there. The internet opened me up to a whole big world of porn... I still had a feeling that what I was doing was "taboo" or somehow "wrong," so I tried my best to hide it from my parents. There were a couple incidents where I got caught... like a popup that covered the whole screen that I couldn't close... I told my dad about it and he sat me down and talked... telling me it was OK and stuff and that he'll keep it between us and not to tell my mother. Whenever my mother found anything, she'd be quite mad, but he'd calm her down and say it's normal... or ask her to send it to him (after they got divorced) so he can see for himself. I would still mostly look at vanilla stuff... mostly lesbians, anal, asslicking... I knew I liked the "dirty" stuff, but I didn't really know why or understand it yet.
I had seen BDSM stuff passing over thumbnails... but most of the popular/prevalent stuff at the time was Mdom / Fsub which didn't really pique my interest at all, I had grown up being taught to respect women (which would soon clash with how many girls I met actually wanted to be treated). It wasn't until I was in 8th grade, late 13 or early/mid 14 that I saw a woman walking a man on a leash and collar (he was walking upright, not on his hands and knees) at a local fair that I found femdom. I didn't know what it was, I didn't know why, but I was JEALOUS. I wanted her... or someone... anyone to do that to me!
When I got home I took to the internet faster than a sprinter hearing the gunshot go off... I couldn't get enough. Asslicking, facesitting, consensual non-consent, pegging, bondage, whipping/flogging/caning, pet-play... the dirtier/more taboo the better. I started with visual porn, but quickly discovered I preferred reading sex stories since they allowed me to better understand the emotional and psychological aspects to it instead of just the physical/visual. Stories where the women owned men as 24/7 slaves got me so hot and bothered... but I didn't think I'd ever actually experience it. The thought scared me... I wanted to submit, but I was so headstrong in life and even liked having control over some things (like running/organizing events, being "president" over things in school, etc) that I didn't know if I could handle it. Having every aspect of my life controlled. Not only that, but some of these stories described absolutely horrific things... I wasn't too into the ultra-extreme like horrible torture designed to really damage or maim someone, using their slaves as human toilets (the complete submission aspect of this I could understand, but the reality of the act itself grossed me out), forcing sex-changes on their slaves... the women described in a lot of these stories sounded like despicable, disgusting, hateful people. I hadn't discovered the "loving" side of BDSM yet, which was horribly under-represented on the internet and in porn at the time... and I didn't really like it just for the sake of cruelty and human torment.
Not long after I got into my first relationship. I knew I wanted to try some kink, but she'd have no part in it. She was completely vanilla and quite the opposite of dominant/confident, she was so self-conscious she wouldn't even let me eat her out. Missionary with the lights off, always. I got bored with the sex fast, but we had been friends before we got together and got along great so the relationship lasted for months... just shy of a year I think. Then came my second long term relationship. She was more experimental and introduced me to the "loving" side of BDSM, but submitting 24/7 horrified me because in a lot of ways I was more intelligent than her... and I couldn't have someone dumber than me trying to control me. Not to mention she was unstable mentally, and often put me through some pretty tough experiences, to say the least. We were passionate, though, and broke up and got back together often, but after 3 years we both had had enough.
After this I was quite jaded. I felt at times like I didn't want to be submissive anymore... Like I never wanted to let someone do the things she'd done to me again. How could I let someone control me so completely, only to just hurt me so deeply? I tried to do the "go out and get laid" thing, but that was never for me. I didn't enjoy it, I needed an emotional connection with my partner and vanilla sex doesn't do it for me. I don't feel comfortable asking someone I don't feel very close to and trust completely to dominate me. That was my mistake with the previous relationship, asking her to dominate me before I knew her well. But at the time I thought it was asking her to dominate me at all.
Without having my sexual submissive nature satisfied... I looked for satisfaction in non-sexual areas of my life. I'd try to please friends and family as best I could... I'd be too generous. Too giving. I'd do almost any task asked of me and I was commonly taken advantage of. Over time I started coming to grips with the fact that I was submissive and always would be... that I'd always want a woman to control me and guide me, but that I just needed one that was capable. That I'm a strong, proud, intelligent person who needs an even stronger, prouder, more intelligent person to control him... just any average "pro" domme or woman who wants to dominate the occasional stranger on a weekend wouldn't do. I had tried being dominated NSA, it didn't work for me.
I spent a long time looking. Putting myself out there and being rejected, meeting women and deeming them unsatisfactory... It was hard finding one that stood up to my character-standards (honesty, loyalty, etc) but would also have the same interests as me. I still wasn't absolutely positive I wanted to be dominated 24/7, but I knew I wanted to be in a relationship with a dominant woman who would dominate me well and dominate me often. I never wanted any form of "role reversal" or anything like that, but maybe submissive in the bedroom and a little less so out of it.
Eventually, I got to the point where I gave up looking. I figured there wasn't a "perfect" woman out there for me. It hurt at first, but I got used to it. I took time to focus on myself, which was actually much needed and did me well. Sorted out areas of my life that had completely deteriorated. In a lot of ways, rebuilt myself and made myself stronger. Just going about my business. Occasionally I'd see a glance, that look that says "I want you," the signs that a woman's interested... but I'd ignore them. I'd always think, "If you only knew what I would want you to do to me, you'd run the opposite direction" and go about my business.
Then... out of fucking nowhere... I met her. Maybe it was because neither of us were really "putting ourselves out there," so to speak... openly looking for someone. Maybe it was because I had taken a long siesta from looking and had improved myself and became confident in my wants/desires... I don't know. But I set eyes on her, and the rest is history. It was like lightning struck, from the second I saw her I knew she was something special, she exudes sexuality and drips confidence. She speaks with a ferocity rarely seen, you know that she's not some lost little girl without a care in the world... she knows what she wants and she knows how to get it. When in her presence it's like a trance, hypnotized. Getting to know her has been an awesome journey and each day's a blessing. Every time I discover something new about her, it's as thrilling as uncovering some great mystery.
We started speaking and soon saw we had scores of things in common, from sexuality to life experiences to non-sexual interests... It's almost like in terms of personality, sense of humor, and interests that we're mirror images of one another. But it's baffling... not only is she such a beautiful person inside, but she's drop-dead sexy outside as well. Alluring, adorable, tantalizing, enticing facial features with powerfully emotive expressions all perched atop a picture-perfect svelte physique with overbearing body language. It's intimidating and exhilarating at the same time and knowing she's way out of my league (she even works in the fucking entertainment industry [not adult entertainment]. WTF? I don't know what it is, but apparently I did something that made the big man upstairs REALLY happy) and it only makes it all the easier and pleasurable submitting to such a presence.
After just a handful of conversations / meetings with her I knew I wanted to be hers. And because of how kind, caring, giving, loving, and just sweet she can be... how honest and loyal she is... she made me feel entirely at ease. She calmed any worries I had had about being in a 24/7 relationship... it was no longer under consideration it was definite... I didn't want to just get a nut off on the weekends and then walk away... I wanted to be at her feet all the time. To please her constantly, do whatever she wants me to, to be her little slut/bitch/foo-foo dog/baby boy/pet/bend over boyfriend and love every fucking minute of it and that's exactly what I'm doing.
I'd never had imagined it would be this... perfect. It's the best decision I've ever made, by far... (submitting to her 24/7). The joy it brings me to see a smile on her gorgeous face, or here that pretty little lilting laughter... oh, there's nothing else like it. She's so addicting... more than any drug out there... when I'm not with her I'm fiending hard, I can't take it... I need more. I'd do more and worse things than any crackhead or heroin addict to have her, to appease her, to please her... She's the light of my life and serving her has been so healing, so liberating, so just fucking perfect that I thank my lucky stars and God and all potential powers that be that she's in my life and loves me. I can't imagine my life without her... I never want to go back to the way things were before I met her...
I don't make good decisions and I can't be left alone to act as I please... having her to tell me what to do and lead me and guide me and punish me if I stray from the path is so... comforting. It's like I know everything will be better than just OK, everything will be excellent, amazing, perfect if I just listen to her and keep her happy. Life couldn't be simpler! Do what Mistress says and life is perfect. Before I had no idea what to do... now I know.
So yeah... I couldn't be happier with serving my Mistress 24/7, but it took me a long time to come to that decision. Ultimately, had I not met her I don't think I'd have ever made the leap. She just made me feel so comfortable, I trust her so much and know that no harm will come of me. No one else made me feel this way, made me feel like I NEEDED to serve her. So if you're thinking about making the leap to 24/7, but are worried/unsure... I'd say if you love your potential Mistress/Master completely and unconditionally... if you always want to make them happy and if he/she is truly a good person with your interest in mind not just their own... then it will be an amazing experience. There are however some very cruel people out there who are truly only in it for themselves... I have a loving relationship with my Mistress and wouldn't want it any other way... so just be careful and try to protect yourself while you're getting to know them and don't jump in until you're sure that they're great and won't hurt you... unless you're into the extreme/cruelty but I don't know how anyone could be... When you're REALLY being punished not "funished," you're not going to enjoy it... at least I don't. Not physically, anyways... emotionally and mentally I do since it's what must be done for displeasing my Mistress and to make her happy again... But yeah. Serving her has made me the happiest I've EVER been and probably ever will be... And because of that, because of how much I love her, need her, care about her, want her, think about her, and desire her... I'll never leave her and never hurt her. She's done so much for me in such a short time... more than anyone else has and I know I can never repay her for that, but I hope serving her 'til I die completely and fully would be a good start.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Safety/Comfort
I've never felt more safe, more confident in the future... more comfortable with myself, where I am, what I'm doing, and with who I'm with than I do with my Mistress. And I don't mean exclusively sexually... but the sexual chemistry helps. Like... there's no more content moment than snuggling in her arms and maybe suckling her breast... not as a means to an end or a way to work up to anything "more," just feeling completely comfortable and safe in that moment and wanting to stay there forever... just lightly sucking and enjoying the warmth in my mouth and through my body of just being with her.
Or even more "harsh" seeming things, that you wouldn't think would conjure up feelings of security... Like the more s/m oriented stuff like say... being choked or smothered by her. But that makes me feel safe too as exhilarating as it is... it's also like between surrendering the control to her and she enjoys it just as much as I do, but she'll never abuse it or REALLY hurt me... I don't know how to explain it, but I wouldn't just ask anyone to completely cut off my air supply and leave me like that 'til I can't possibly take any more... I've got to really trust the person and knowing that I can trust her like that... with my life. People say, "I trust him/her" with my life all the time, but I literally do, it's just so comforting. Better than any security blanket or team of armed guards.
Then there's the bondage... depending on the situation/context being tied up or handcuffed could be absolutely horrifying, one of the worst experiences of your life. You're so vulnerable... completely unable to protect yourself... But I WANT her to immobilize me because I need no protection against her, she can and will do whatever she wants with me... being blindfolded makes it all the better... I don't even care if I can see what she's doing or not. Just surrendering everything to her... Hell she doesn't even have to touch me, I'd enjoy it even if she bound, blinded, and gagged me and then just read a book to me.
Because even just the sound of her voice is an enormous comfort and causes me to want to submit... the things she says, the way she says them... it's the sweetest music on earth. Every inflection, instruction, tease, threat, comment, question, demand... I can never get enough of it I can talk with her for hours and hours and hours. Days. Hell I don't even have to talk, I could just listen to her without even getting to interact and I'd love it.
Just being in her presence... it's like she fills me with a warmth, knowing that I'm hers. It's like she's all I ever wanted, I just didn't know it yet. Every moment's extraordinary even the simple/little/everyday things. When I ask her how she's doing/feels/is I actually CARE about and want to hear the answer... I'm dying to hear it. And when she's happy? Oh my God. Life couldn't be better.
I just feel bad sometimes because this intense comfort relaxes me so much. Like a baby with its binky... sometime's I'll get so comfortable I fall asleep. Now, not usually through the intense/demanding stuff like being beaten, bound, and pushed to my limits. But for example... when suckling her breast or when laying with her, holding in an enema. The anticipation of what's to come afterwards excites and thrills me... but having her hold me and love me and whisper encouragement... just feeling so intimate with/connected to her overpowers me. The relaxation, the love, the anticipation... it's like it's too much for me to handle all at once and I drift off... it happens almost every time. I don't want her to think I'm bored, or disinterested... that couldn't be farther from the truth I love everything she does to me and want her to do anything she wants... but idk it's like swinging in a hammock on a warm, but mild spring afternoon and as the sun sets on you it warms you from all over... almost from inside out. I can't help it... like clockwork during the rinse cycle I drift off because she's so good.
I never felt like this before. I never felt completely trusting of someone else and even dependent upon them. I always just relied on myself and felt like everyone I've trusted has betrayed it... It's so intense just giving up that control, that trust... that it gets me teary sometimes, and other times just makes me want to pass out. I can't explain it... it has a profound effect on me and moves me to my limits. It's like my brain has to shut down everything going on around me and all my voluntary functions to process the mindfuck that's been given to it by the existence of such a perfect woman for me... which I had thought didn't exist for most of my life. I guess it's sort of like seeing God... finding a "soul mate" had that mystical aspect to it, and now I feel like I have found mine. It's just insane.
Or even more "harsh" seeming things, that you wouldn't think would conjure up feelings of security... Like the more s/m oriented stuff like say... being choked or smothered by her. But that makes me feel safe too as exhilarating as it is... it's also like between surrendering the control to her and she enjoys it just as much as I do, but she'll never abuse it or REALLY hurt me... I don't know how to explain it, but I wouldn't just ask anyone to completely cut off my air supply and leave me like that 'til I can't possibly take any more... I've got to really trust the person and knowing that I can trust her like that... with my life. People say, "I trust him/her" with my life all the time, but I literally do, it's just so comforting. Better than any security blanket or team of armed guards.
Then there's the bondage... depending on the situation/context being tied up or handcuffed could be absolutely horrifying, one of the worst experiences of your life. You're so vulnerable... completely unable to protect yourself... But I WANT her to immobilize me because I need no protection against her, she can and will do whatever she wants with me... being blindfolded makes it all the better... I don't even care if I can see what she's doing or not. Just surrendering everything to her... Hell she doesn't even have to touch me, I'd enjoy it even if she bound, blinded, and gagged me and then just read a book to me.
Because even just the sound of her voice is an enormous comfort and causes me to want to submit... the things she says, the way she says them... it's the sweetest music on earth. Every inflection, instruction, tease, threat, comment, question, demand... I can never get enough of it I can talk with her for hours and hours and hours. Days. Hell I don't even have to talk, I could just listen to her without even getting to interact and I'd love it.
Just being in her presence... it's like she fills me with a warmth, knowing that I'm hers. It's like she's all I ever wanted, I just didn't know it yet. Every moment's extraordinary even the simple/little/everyday things. When I ask her how she's doing/feels/is I actually CARE about and want to hear the answer... I'm dying to hear it. And when she's happy? Oh my God. Life couldn't be better.
I just feel bad sometimes because this intense comfort relaxes me so much. Like a baby with its binky... sometime's I'll get so comfortable I fall asleep. Now, not usually through the intense/demanding stuff like being beaten, bound, and pushed to my limits. But for example... when suckling her breast or when laying with her, holding in an enema. The anticipation of what's to come afterwards excites and thrills me... but having her hold me and love me and whisper encouragement... just feeling so intimate with/connected to her overpowers me. The relaxation, the love, the anticipation... it's like it's too much for me to handle all at once and I drift off... it happens almost every time. I don't want her to think I'm bored, or disinterested... that couldn't be farther from the truth I love everything she does to me and want her to do anything she wants... but idk it's like swinging in a hammock on a warm, but mild spring afternoon and as the sun sets on you it warms you from all over... almost from inside out. I can't help it... like clockwork during the rinse cycle I drift off because she's so good.
I never felt like this before. I never felt completely trusting of someone else and even dependent upon them. I always just relied on myself and felt like everyone I've trusted has betrayed it... It's so intense just giving up that control, that trust... that it gets me teary sometimes, and other times just makes me want to pass out. I can't explain it... it has a profound effect on me and moves me to my limits. It's like my brain has to shut down everything going on around me and all my voluntary functions to process the mindfuck that's been given to it by the existence of such a perfect woman for me... which I had thought didn't exist for most of my life. I guess it's sort of like seeing God... finding a "soul mate" had that mystical aspect to it, and now I feel like I have found mine. It's just insane.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Complete Control, Total Surrender/Capitulation
Seems to be I surrender more of myself to my Mistress with every passing day. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone or anything, so I'm always at my upper limit... it feels like I couldn't possibly love her anymore than I do because I already love her so much... I don't know what "more" is or what it feels like. But each day it gets pushed, I love her a little more than the last. She has a little more control over me...
Which is just as exhilarating because I likewise feel like she already has complete control, that I'd do anything for her and she owns every last bit of me, mind, body, soul... yet each day I feel somehow more powerless, helpless, obsessed. I guess it's like, though I'd already do anything to make her happy... I keep discovering/realizing specific new things I'd do for her that I wouldn't for anyone else. I get more willing to do those "unpleasant" things or even start wanting to do them / thinking I'll enjoy them because it would make her happy.
It's like I'm a clay/putty in her hands. Even though she's always been able to warp me into whatever shape she wants and do anything with me that she wants... in the beginning... fresh out the package, completely unmolded, unmolested... fresh out the box, still in a square... I was stiff, maybe even a little resistant to the touch. But she fixed that, and whipped me right into shape quick... Each time she morphs me and changes me, works me and kneads me, it gets easier. I get softer. I want her touch that much more... I can't wait until she makes me perfect... until I'm the exact shape, design, patter, mold etc. that she wants and she can fire me up in the kiln, preserving me that way for eternity.
Maybe that's the pinnacle, the point when she has complete control, when I've totally surrendered. When she fires up the kiln. Burns herself into me... the template she wants me to fit. When there's no going back... when she collars me. I'm sure our relationship will still grow, I'll still learn and change as a person slightly under her hand... but I don't think it will be major changes. It will be like painting/repainting the figurine... putting on different clothes... different accessories, just small alterations clay statuettes undergo here and there to satisfy her whims and desires.
But I'll be molded and formed exactly how she wants me. I think that's when my "training" will be complete and the REAL fun will begin... I don't know if I could love her "more" after that point... after I officially vow my complete, permanent devotion to her. I don't know... I guess it will grow in time, but I don't think there'd really be any other rewards, punishments, exercises, etc. that could increase my feeling at that point... It's like the collaring is graduation... You'll still learn things afterward, but you've got the majority of the info ingrained and you're just improving upon it, perfecting techniques, expanding experiences... moving on from the learning and mentoring stage to me actually "doing my job." Being a pro... knowing what needs to be done and what she wants me to do always without her telling me and morphing me... Like a dog completing obedience school you'll still "learn" and sort of receive some "training" on the go just by doing things that need to be done, but she won't have to sit down and specifically teach and train me... I'll just get better as we go.
I can't wait. I want it so bad... Not just to be hers forever, but I want to be so perfect for her... I want to be so whipped I anticipate and get ready to do what she wants before she even wants it so the instant she makes a demand of me I fulfill it. I want to be the best slave/pet/bend over boyfriend/whore/slut etc of all time for her. I want there to be stories, poems, and songs written about my love for her and how completely and utterly I serve her and am devoted to her. I don't want to do anything else except for what Mistress wants. I want no "leisure," no "alone time," I just want to be hers and my whole life to be spent pleasing her and doing nothing else. I'm her puppydog. Sitting patiently, excitedly, longingly at the door when she leaves, staring at it the entire time trying to wish/will her back with conviction and going completely nuts when she does get back, jumping up and down, so thrilled just to be in her presence, to love her and be loved by her.
It's what I want more than anything. More than money, more than "women" (I just want her, my Mistress... I don't want to "go out and get laid all the time," have sex with hundreds of whores/sluts etc....) I don't want a "dominant" that keeps a few slaves non-24/7 and just satisfies each others sexual desires rather than really having complete ownership and full control over them to the point they'd do anything for their Mistress and then has normal vanilla sex with other guys and maybe even submits to them. I want to be completely devoted to my Mistress. I don't want children because they'd demand my attention away from her. I don't want hobbies, I want her to be my hobby. I ideally don't even want us to have to do real "work," making profitable investments or owning businesses you can step back from and just manage and check on would be ideal or doing something like in the entertainment industry or something flexible that you can leave/step away from to devote time to other things. Teaching at a public school, if nothing else, to at least spend summers with her. Maybe move to alaska to get paid just to live there. I want even my dying thoughts to be of her. I want to be hers forever... FOREVER. I'd even sell my soul to her, if possible.
This is my life. This is what I want. At highschool reunions when asked what I do, I want to just say, "Please Mistress, make her happy, tend to her every need and desire. Care for her, love her, spend every waking minute she'll allow me to with her. It's a full-time commitment so I don't work, I don't go/hang out with people, I just do what she wants me to and love every fucking minute of it. Couldn't be happier. What do you do? Fight with your wife and yell at your kids? Look for a cure for cancer? Oh yeah my Mistress got it a couple years ago and I cleared it right up lickety split."
I've never been into "financial domination," I always considered it a euphemism for prostitution... but idk. My Mistress owns me 24/7, it's not like I'm taking some slut shopping once or twice a month and in exchange she slaps and teases me, maybe has sex with me. But she owns me. I'm hers... her possession, her toy. So I feel like, by proxy, she owns everything I did before I met her... like I used to own my body, my mind, my soul, etc... but now she does. I and everything I am and everything I have is now hers and whatever she wants material, physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, intellectual... I'll give her.
So... while I feel like I'm completely devoted... I know it will grow. I'm as devoted as I can get/make myself/choose to be... I want to do everything to her... but her training, her direction, her guidance will make me involuntarily even more devoted. It's not something I can control, because she controls me and as she manipulates (not in a bad/derogatory way) me into what she wants, she'll make me even more devoted and the collaring will complete the process, the journey... I'll have arrived at my destination and I plan to stay forever.
Which is just as exhilarating because I likewise feel like she already has complete control, that I'd do anything for her and she owns every last bit of me, mind, body, soul... yet each day I feel somehow more powerless, helpless, obsessed. I guess it's like, though I'd already do anything to make her happy... I keep discovering/realizing specific new things I'd do for her that I wouldn't for anyone else. I get more willing to do those "unpleasant" things or even start wanting to do them / thinking I'll enjoy them because it would make her happy.
It's like I'm a clay/putty in her hands. Even though she's always been able to warp me into whatever shape she wants and do anything with me that she wants... in the beginning... fresh out the package, completely unmolded, unmolested... fresh out the box, still in a square... I was stiff, maybe even a little resistant to the touch. But she fixed that, and whipped me right into shape quick... Each time she morphs me and changes me, works me and kneads me, it gets easier. I get softer. I want her touch that much more... I can't wait until she makes me perfect... until I'm the exact shape, design, patter, mold etc. that she wants and she can fire me up in the kiln, preserving me that way for eternity.
Maybe that's the pinnacle, the point when she has complete control, when I've totally surrendered. When she fires up the kiln. Burns herself into me... the template she wants me to fit. When there's no going back... when she collars me. I'm sure our relationship will still grow, I'll still learn and change as a person slightly under her hand... but I don't think it will be major changes. It will be like painting/repainting the figurine... putting on different clothes... different accessories, just small alterations clay statuettes undergo here and there to satisfy her whims and desires.
But I'll be molded and formed exactly how she wants me. I think that's when my "training" will be complete and the REAL fun will begin... I don't know if I could love her "more" after that point... after I officially vow my complete, permanent devotion to her. I don't know... I guess it will grow in time, but I don't think there'd really be any other rewards, punishments, exercises, etc. that could increase my feeling at that point... It's like the collaring is graduation... You'll still learn things afterward, but you've got the majority of the info ingrained and you're just improving upon it, perfecting techniques, expanding experiences... moving on from the learning and mentoring stage to me actually "doing my job." Being a pro... knowing what needs to be done and what she wants me to do always without her telling me and morphing me... Like a dog completing obedience school you'll still "learn" and sort of receive some "training" on the go just by doing things that need to be done, but she won't have to sit down and specifically teach and train me... I'll just get better as we go.
I can't wait. I want it so bad... Not just to be hers forever, but I want to be so perfect for her... I want to be so whipped I anticipate and get ready to do what she wants before she even wants it so the instant she makes a demand of me I fulfill it. I want to be the best slave/pet/bend over boyfriend/whore/slut etc of all time for her. I want there to be stories, poems, and songs written about my love for her and how completely and utterly I serve her and am devoted to her. I don't want to do anything else except for what Mistress wants. I want no "leisure," no "alone time," I just want to be hers and my whole life to be spent pleasing her and doing nothing else. I'm her puppydog. Sitting patiently, excitedly, longingly at the door when she leaves, staring at it the entire time trying to wish/will her back with conviction and going completely nuts when she does get back, jumping up and down, so thrilled just to be in her presence, to love her and be loved by her.
It's what I want more than anything. More than money, more than "women" (I just want her, my Mistress... I don't want to "go out and get laid all the time," have sex with hundreds of whores/sluts etc....) I don't want a "dominant" that keeps a few slaves non-24/7 and just satisfies each others sexual desires rather than really having complete ownership and full control over them to the point they'd do anything for their Mistress and then has normal vanilla sex with other guys and maybe even submits to them. I want to be completely devoted to my Mistress. I don't want children because they'd demand my attention away from her. I don't want hobbies, I want her to be my hobby. I ideally don't even want us to have to do real "work," making profitable investments or owning businesses you can step back from and just manage and check on would be ideal or doing something like in the entertainment industry or something flexible that you can leave/step away from to devote time to other things. Teaching at a public school, if nothing else, to at least spend summers with her. Maybe move to alaska to get paid just to live there. I want even my dying thoughts to be of her. I want to be hers forever... FOREVER. I'd even sell my soul to her, if possible.
This is my life. This is what I want. At highschool reunions when asked what I do, I want to just say, "Please Mistress, make her happy, tend to her every need and desire. Care for her, love her, spend every waking minute she'll allow me to with her. It's a full-time commitment so I don't work, I don't go/hang out with people, I just do what she wants me to and love every fucking minute of it. Couldn't be happier. What do you do? Fight with your wife and yell at your kids? Look for a cure for cancer? Oh yeah my Mistress got it a couple years ago and I cleared it right up lickety split."
I've never been into "financial domination," I always considered it a euphemism for prostitution... but idk. My Mistress owns me 24/7, it's not like I'm taking some slut shopping once or twice a month and in exchange she slaps and teases me, maybe has sex with me. But she owns me. I'm hers... her possession, her toy. So I feel like, by proxy, she owns everything I did before I met her... like I used to own my body, my mind, my soul, etc... but now she does. I and everything I am and everything I have is now hers and whatever she wants material, physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, intellectual... I'll give her.
So... while I feel like I'm completely devoted... I know it will grow. I'm as devoted as I can get/make myself/choose to be... I want to do everything to her... but her training, her direction, her guidance will make me involuntarily even more devoted. It's not something I can control, because she controls me and as she manipulates (not in a bad/derogatory way) me into what she wants, she'll make me even more devoted and the collaring will complete the process, the journey... I'll have arrived at my destination and I plan to stay forever.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Submit to One vs. Submit to Many
In regular, everyday life... many people would not guess I'm submissive. I'm headstrong, determined, opinionated with no problem voicing it, intelligent, and powerful. When collaborating on work with someone I can be quite demanding with high expectations because if I'm going to do something/I want to do something I put my heart into it and don't half-ass it. I also have had problems with authority, especially growing up... was a nuisance in school, but the teachers loved me since I was intelligent and articulate... which also was a cause of woe to administrators. Have had some problems here and there with the law. Rebelled against my parents... rebelled against society... rebelled against any orders anyone ever gave me... Not exactly the stereotypical image of a "spineless submissive" most people have, I think.
I'm definitely no backbone-free "beta-male," though I suppose I'm not exactly an alpha-male either... I certainly am no fratboy/jock/player/pickup artist/etc... I love going against people's social expectations, pushing the envelope, marching to the beat of my own drum... who knows, maybe that's more "alpha" than the "fuck em and leave em because it makes me a MAN" conformists. Because of this, I have little inhibition about living an alternative lifestyle... but I think most people wouldn't "peg" me as a sub... I had a tendency to attract submissive females... though maybe that was just because there are a ton of submissive females (really, a ton of subs in general... feel like we're living in a doms' world, which sort of makes sense).
Since I was either alone or with a non-dominant woman (or a woman who was willing to try, but wasn't like... overtly dominant on her own without suggestion) I felt unfulfilled. I've always been loyal to my friends and family, but before I was loyal to a fault. I guess, in a way, I was "submitting" to them, looking for that fulfillment. I'd carry out almost any request, I was too forgiving... and of course people (users) would take advantage of this. Abuse my trust and my generosity, just take take take 'til I had nothing left then move on.
I never imagined being with a truly, completely dominant woman who knows how to do it and loves doing it would be so cathartic, so liberating, so fulfilling. I don't feel the need to constantly look for approval in others... I please my Mistress and that's all I need. So it's sort of like I've gotten my true nature back... Yes I am submissive... but I should only be submissive to the one who can actually control me, who owns me. It's unhealthy to look for that sort of validation in non-dominant people because they don't know what to do with it and they aren't interested in taking care of you and helping you flourish as a person, they'll just use it to their advantage for what they can rape out of you. Not that I wouldn't stand up for myself... but when I came to love/trust someone... I just had a natural inclination to want to please them... and some people ran with that.
So I'm so thankful for my Mistress' control... though sometimes I feel inadequate because I'm not like a lot of submissives... that just accept everything and question nothing... That just instantly bow to authority. When I question hers she obviously swiftly puts me in my place and I love that because she's actually capable of doing what no one else is, actually controlling me and ordering me around... And I hope that she likes that... that it makes her feel more special than just owning a... idk... robot who instantly bows to every whim, never asks why, never gets headstrong or has his own mind or fights for anything... I love my Mistress so I feel like I've got to fight for her. If someone disrespects or hurts her they better watch out and hope she's forgiving because I'll bite and bite hard... but she of course holds the leash... and yes, her grip is firm and I'd never turn on or snap at her... but idk. I would think that controlling something that, while it wants and desires to be controlled has to be controlled by someone/something actually better than him and actually needs to be kept in check... something that idk, might actually take some work... would be more fulfilling/enjoyable to her... Because if not then you could just get a vibrator or a literal sex-toy... I think it's good to be a submissive with a mind that, though you're unworthy and would do anything and everything to please your Mistress, have a head on your shoulders. Like... I could never be with a woman who wasn't as smart or smarter than me... because I could hide things from her / pull shit with her. I'm a rebel... and part of why I enjoy being submissive and love my Mistress is because I need some control.. someone somewhere has to have some control over me because when left entirely to my own devices it's not good. I make bad decisions. I overstep my bounds. I need her to keep me in line, I really do. I'm not one of those submissives that will just be submissive to nothing... they'll be submissive without even having a Mistress/Master. But I actually need her. It makes me feel like I can appreciate her more... I dunno. I'm rambling... I've got a feeling in my head that I'm having trouble getting out... but long story short is... I just love and appreciate her so much. I'd be lost without her. I'd be going in a million different directions, exerting myself every which way without really getting anything done. She gives me focus. She guides me, loves me, nurtures me, and helps me grow as a person so much... I feel like the "Yes-men" have nothing to grow into... While I'm like a clay in her hands for her to build into what she wants me to be... those submissives are like a soup that can be bent and shaped by anyone or anything. If that makes any sense.
She's strict and demanding so she can whip me into shape, but she's also hands down the most caring, loving, genuine, good-hearted person I've ever encountered. So while I resist influence from every other direction and try to always do what -I- want and fuck everyone else... I love bending to hers. I love doing what she wants and what she tells me to... I know she knows what's best better than I do and it's so liberating to like... just accept that. That someone knows what's best for me and I can just relax and take guidance and listen to someone else when I'm so used to feeling like I always can only depend on myself that everyone else will let me down... But she doesn't. I can depend on her. I can lean on her, rely on her... I can't explain it... I guess the only explanation needed is that I love her. Fully and completely. And I don't think just any mistress/master would ever match up to her specifically because I won't bend to just anyone's will... she's perfect for me and I want to be hers forever and always. And I want her to make me perfect for her... and I know she can and will.
I'm definitely no backbone-free "beta-male," though I suppose I'm not exactly an alpha-male either... I certainly am no fratboy/jock/player/pickup artist/etc... I love going against people's social expectations, pushing the envelope, marching to the beat of my own drum... who knows, maybe that's more "alpha" than the "fuck em and leave em because it makes me a MAN" conformists. Because of this, I have little inhibition about living an alternative lifestyle... but I think most people wouldn't "peg" me as a sub... I had a tendency to attract submissive females... though maybe that was just because there are a ton of submissive females (really, a ton of subs in general... feel like we're living in a doms' world, which sort of makes sense).
Since I was either alone or with a non-dominant woman (or a woman who was willing to try, but wasn't like... overtly dominant on her own without suggestion) I felt unfulfilled. I've always been loyal to my friends and family, but before I was loyal to a fault. I guess, in a way, I was "submitting" to them, looking for that fulfillment. I'd carry out almost any request, I was too forgiving... and of course people (users) would take advantage of this. Abuse my trust and my generosity, just take take take 'til I had nothing left then move on.
I never imagined being with a truly, completely dominant woman who knows how to do it and loves doing it would be so cathartic, so liberating, so fulfilling. I don't feel the need to constantly look for approval in others... I please my Mistress and that's all I need. So it's sort of like I've gotten my true nature back... Yes I am submissive... but I should only be submissive to the one who can actually control me, who owns me. It's unhealthy to look for that sort of validation in non-dominant people because they don't know what to do with it and they aren't interested in taking care of you and helping you flourish as a person, they'll just use it to their advantage for what they can rape out of you. Not that I wouldn't stand up for myself... but when I came to love/trust someone... I just had a natural inclination to want to please them... and some people ran with that.
So I'm so thankful for my Mistress' control... though sometimes I feel inadequate because I'm not like a lot of submissives... that just accept everything and question nothing... That just instantly bow to authority. When I question hers she obviously swiftly puts me in my place and I love that because she's actually capable of doing what no one else is, actually controlling me and ordering me around... And I hope that she likes that... that it makes her feel more special than just owning a... idk... robot who instantly bows to every whim, never asks why, never gets headstrong or has his own mind or fights for anything... I love my Mistress so I feel like I've got to fight for her. If someone disrespects or hurts her they better watch out and hope she's forgiving because I'll bite and bite hard... but she of course holds the leash... and yes, her grip is firm and I'd never turn on or snap at her... but idk. I would think that controlling something that, while it wants and desires to be controlled has to be controlled by someone/something actually better than him and actually needs to be kept in check... something that idk, might actually take some work... would be more fulfilling/enjoyable to her... Because if not then you could just get a vibrator or a literal sex-toy... I think it's good to be a submissive with a mind that, though you're unworthy and would do anything and everything to please your Mistress, have a head on your shoulders. Like... I could never be with a woman who wasn't as smart or smarter than me... because I could hide things from her / pull shit with her. I'm a rebel... and part of why I enjoy being submissive and love my Mistress is because I need some control.. someone somewhere has to have some control over me because when left entirely to my own devices it's not good. I make bad decisions. I overstep my bounds. I need her to keep me in line, I really do. I'm not one of those submissives that will just be submissive to nothing... they'll be submissive without even having a Mistress/Master. But I actually need her. It makes me feel like I can appreciate her more... I dunno. I'm rambling... I've got a feeling in my head that I'm having trouble getting out... but long story short is... I just love and appreciate her so much. I'd be lost without her. I'd be going in a million different directions, exerting myself every which way without really getting anything done. She gives me focus. She guides me, loves me, nurtures me, and helps me grow as a person so much... I feel like the "Yes-men" have nothing to grow into... While I'm like a clay in her hands for her to build into what she wants me to be... those submissives are like a soup that can be bent and shaped by anyone or anything. If that makes any sense.
She's strict and demanding so she can whip me into shape, but she's also hands down the most caring, loving, genuine, good-hearted person I've ever encountered. So while I resist influence from every other direction and try to always do what -I- want and fuck everyone else... I love bending to hers. I love doing what she wants and what she tells me to... I know she knows what's best better than I do and it's so liberating to like... just accept that. That someone knows what's best for me and I can just relax and take guidance and listen to someone else when I'm so used to feeling like I always can only depend on myself that everyone else will let me down... But she doesn't. I can depend on her. I can lean on her, rely on her... I can't explain it... I guess the only explanation needed is that I love her. Fully and completely. And I don't think just any mistress/master would ever match up to her specifically because I won't bend to just anyone's will... she's perfect for me and I want to be hers forever and always. And I want her to make me perfect for her... and I know she can and will.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Safewords, Limits, and Collars - Oh My!
I'll probably catch some flak for this... but in the past, I never really used like... concrete safewords. I never played around with like... consensual non-consent, so my partners and I didn't really see much need. And with my current Mistress... I trust her. I feel like she knows my limits and won't violate them and that I'll never need to use a safeword with her. Anything she puts me through I can handle, and if she were to put me through something that sort of "pushes" my limits I know there'd be a good reason for it... it wouldn't just be done randomly or out of cruelty. Though I suppose it would still be good to have something in case something, say, went wrong... like bindings were cutting off circulation that weren't meant to... or I (god forbid) was going through some unintended injury like a hernia. Other than that... I don't feel like I need to or even really want a safeword with her. (And I feel like it's her decision to give me one. If she wants to, I have one. If she doesn't, I don't). Anyone else feel the same way? I just... know her so well and know that she knows me, and knows what's best for me... so how can I tell her to stop? It's not like we're just occasional play-partners doing a few scenes far between... She owns me.
So yeah... I trust her not to violate my limits, even though I had them violated before... In my previous relationship "This is no longer enjoyable/this is too intense/you're going too far/please stop immediately" meant exactly that... and since she violated those, I think she'd have violated any safeword. Now I should have just ran as far away as fast as possible after that happened... but both of us were too inexperienced to really understand the full gravity of what she did so we stayed together, though after violating my trust things were never the same. I guess the scene squicked her pretty bad or brought up some intense latent psychological issues or trauma... but it wound up no longer being enjoyable at all to the point it turned into abuse (emotional/psychological and physical) and I'm just glad I was able to break out of my bonds because I'm not sure how far she'd have gone if I hadn't. But going through that experience helped me grow as a person... and showed me that I've got to be cautious and that perhaps exploring BDSM with a fellow newbie wasn't the best route and that maybe I should look for a loving, caring, experienced Mistress.
That experience also makes me appreciate my Mistress so much more, since I honestly believe something like that would never happen with her. I mean... I'm sure if I deserve it she'll put me through some harsh punishment... But I know she'd never try to actually really damage me... not just cause some impermanent pain. Any punishment she doles out the eventual intention is to teach me/train me/make me better, not just to be cruel. Because she's not cruel... she's so loving and nurturing I feel like so much more of a whole person with her. Not to mention she's psychological sound/sane and experienced enough that if some latent issue did come up I think she'd know how to deal with it without taking it out on me. I'd even push/explore beyond my limits with her if she wanted (though I know she won't, since we have essentially identical likes/dislikes) because she's so gentle, kind, caring... and idk... just has so much complete control over me I feel like she can make anything enjoyable. I've just never seen anything like it... I feel like with her, I can do anything. We can accomplish anything. I can't wait for the future.
This deep trust, this enormous love I have for my Mistress caused me to conclude I'll let her collar me if/when she decides she wants to. She owns me completely and endlessly, and I want her to own me for a long, long time. I don't ever want to be anyone else's, I don't want to have to search for years again just to settle for someone lesser than her, I don't want to have my trust violated again, I don't want to get hurt / have my submissive nature taken advantage of by users over and over again. With her, I don't feel a constant need to try to gain validation/please others... I please her and it makes me so happy. With her, I feel whole... I feel fulfilled, I feel loved. Now I know that that's a big commitment to make... It's not something I want to rush into. I want to wait. I want to wait for her, because you wouldn't rush into a marriage, and likewise I wouldn't rush into this. It's good to wait... to build more trust and more love and be sure it's both what you want before you leap in. Not that I think I'll change my mind... I know I won't - that's part of why I'm willing to wait... that and because she's worth it, and I want to show her I know she's worth it. That I'll wait forever for her if I have to. But I feel like everyday it only gets better, so there's not much "need" to be collared right now... I'm not going anywhere. But when she wants to claim me forever... I'll be so ready and so grateful... I'm sure I'll cry.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Au Naturale v. Made/Dolled Up?
Fellow subs... which do you prefer of your Mistress (or master)? That they be all dressed, shaved, showered, brushed, and made up/looking what society would label their "absolute best," or more simple/natural/homely... if any just a little make up like some light lip-gloss (but more likely nothing) maybe not showered that day, mussed hair, not shaved... etc?
On the one hand I want my Mistress to do what makes her happy... If she feels best all perfectly primped and dolled up then by all means... I want her to. And I think it's quite nice every once in a while, especially if we go out it's nice to show off and unlike some men I don't mind if other's gawk and gape, makes me feel all the more lucky/special. But when it's just us alone on a weekend or together in our most intimate nights... I really don't care / almost would prefer she go natural. Tone down the make-up or forget it entirely. Hair everywhere - messy on the head and growing in everywhere else (I'm just not big on long, dangling leg hairs but don't mind/even enjoy some bushy bits/armpit afro's as long as I don't need an amazonian guide with a machete to navigate my way to the promised land) as long as it's not at the sharp/painful stubble stage (although as a masochist, even that can be kind of erotic). Save the environment and skip a shower or two.
I feel like she's a goddess... her body's a temple and I'm here to worship. I don't want her to fall into complete disarray and not take care of herself... But I love her for who she is - how SHE looks and how SHE smells - not how her makeup looks and how her perfume smells. I dunno. Maybe I'm gross, or weird, or nasty... But I feel like I'd almost rather bury my face in any of her body parts and lick anywhere if she's let her... idk... natural state come out. I feel like people weren't really meant to wash away all their natural oils, pheromones, and remove all their hair on a daily/sometimes twice daily basis... and when I'm in love, I find it highly erotic to actually be able to smell and taste my partner for who she really is.
Don't get me wrong... I never wanted this when a relationship was brand new or if I wasn't even in a relationship (which I ultimately decided was not for me) when it comes to that I expect basic hygiene. But when I love my partner... I don't know. I just find her scent intoxicating, I can't get enough of it and I feel like it's almost a crime to wash it away all the time. But I also don't want her to get stares / dirty looks never holding up to basic societal expectations of cleanliness... it's a "just us" thing and wouldn't expect her to walk around town never showering, never wearing makeup, etc... Now if it makes her feel uncomfortable or she thinks it's gross it's a dead issue... Her happiness is what's important to me... But if she doesn't mind or even enjoys the level of devotion I have to her and who she really is, then I say if we're not going out or doing anything... why bathe when you've a slave to lick you clean? :P
How do you guys feel? Anyone else get off on the way their partner REALLY is, not the image they prop up and project to everyone else? There's something I find about it that just seems so... liberating. Like we're putting on an act with everyone else, but when she's with me... she doesn't have to. 'Cause I'll love her no matter what. But of course, these are just my preferences in the end it's always up to her.
On the one hand I want my Mistress to do what makes her happy... If she feels best all perfectly primped and dolled up then by all means... I want her to. And I think it's quite nice every once in a while, especially if we go out it's nice to show off and unlike some men I don't mind if other's gawk and gape, makes me feel all the more lucky/special. But when it's just us alone on a weekend or together in our most intimate nights... I really don't care / almost would prefer she go natural. Tone down the make-up or forget it entirely. Hair everywhere - messy on the head and growing in everywhere else (I'm just not big on long, dangling leg hairs but don't mind/even enjoy some bushy bits/armpit afro's as long as I don't need an amazonian guide with a machete to navigate my way to the promised land) as long as it's not at the sharp/painful stubble stage (although as a masochist, even that can be kind of erotic). Save the environment and skip a shower or two.
I feel like she's a goddess... her body's a temple and I'm here to worship. I don't want her to fall into complete disarray and not take care of herself... But I love her for who she is - how SHE looks and how SHE smells - not how her makeup looks and how her perfume smells. I dunno. Maybe I'm gross, or weird, or nasty... But I feel like I'd almost rather bury my face in any of her body parts and lick anywhere if she's let her... idk... natural state come out. I feel like people weren't really meant to wash away all their natural oils, pheromones, and remove all their hair on a daily/sometimes twice daily basis... and when I'm in love, I find it highly erotic to actually be able to smell and taste my partner for who she really is.
Don't get me wrong... I never wanted this when a relationship was brand new or if I wasn't even in a relationship (which I ultimately decided was not for me) when it comes to that I expect basic hygiene. But when I love my partner... I don't know. I just find her scent intoxicating, I can't get enough of it and I feel like it's almost a crime to wash it away all the time. But I also don't want her to get stares / dirty looks never holding up to basic societal expectations of cleanliness... it's a "just us" thing and wouldn't expect her to walk around town never showering, never wearing makeup, etc... Now if it makes her feel uncomfortable or she thinks it's gross it's a dead issue... Her happiness is what's important to me... But if she doesn't mind or even enjoys the level of devotion I have to her and who she really is, then I say if we're not going out or doing anything... why bathe when you've a slave to lick you clean? :P
How do you guys feel? Anyone else get off on the way their partner REALLY is, not the image they prop up and project to everyone else? There's something I find about it that just seems so... liberating. Like we're putting on an act with everyone else, but when she's with me... she doesn't have to. 'Cause I'll love her no matter what. But of course, these are just my preferences in the end it's always up to her.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Self-Subterfuge, Success Saboteur.
It's hard. It's hard for someone like me - someone with deep emotional wounds that are still healing... the scars so fresh I've got to be careful when I move lest they reopen - to let himself love again. After so many years of pain... almost as a coping mechanism or a means to ease the pain, you sort of come to convince yourself that you deserve it. That something you did... mistakes, transgressions; something you said... insults, hurtful things... either in this life or a past life... is causing this pain. That it's karma, that it's just, that you deserve to suffer. You convince yourself that it's okay to breeze through life eyes closed, never really investing yourself emotionally or otherwise because you know what you deserve and you know what you'll get... an enormous letdown.
It's hard to break out of these habits, even years after you've started bettering yourself and heading down the right path and improving your life. It's hard to break away from ingrained attributes that you learned not just through repetition, but because you chose to... because you felt you had to, in order to survive. And it's good to remember the past... to always be aware of what led you down the wrong path... to know the mistakes you made and never forget so that you'll never go through them again.
No, you should remember. But you've got to let them go. You've got to forgive yourself. Especially when you're in love... Not only do you deserve it (love, happiness, a good life), but your partner does, too. It's not fair to them to force them to watch you go down that same well-trod path of pain and loneliness, making them wish the entire time they could take it all away... make you as happy as you make them, make you as happy as you deserve to be. Because love isn't like other, lesser emotions. It's strong, it's all encompassing, all consuming. But it's also binding. It connects you to your lover. It attaches you... it welds you together so that not only do you never want to be apart from that person, you never really will. Even if you sabotage yourself, and run from emotional success... convince yourself that it's not right and you don't deserve it so it will never work and why tear that great loving person down into your well/bottomless pit of anguish, they'll still be with you.
By trying to avoid hurting them and bringing them down you'll do just that. Just because you want to run at times, that you're scared that you'll make the same mistakes... that things will just wind up bad because that's how things go (life sucks, then you die) doesn't mean she won't follow. Your partner has no choice, but to follow. Because just like you can't force love to start and you can't keep it from starting, you also can't force it to stop. Once that dam cracks, the river's breaking through and you can never rebuild it.
Once you're in love, it's too late to run. The only way to run would have been to never fall in love in the first place, never get close to anyone, never bond beyond simple acquaintances. Because you can't keep it from happening and once it does no matter how far or how fast you run it's gonna stick with you. It's gonna be by your side, it's gonna be in your heart, it's gonna be in your mind. Love doesn't stop. Real, god-honest love is eternal, everlasting. By trying to deceive yourself into thinking you can run, thinking that what's best for your partner is to be as far away as possible... by trying to sabotage yourself and your own success... you're sabotaging hers. And you don't want to do that... You don't want to ruin your partner, you don't want to bring her down.
Now, even though love is everlasting/eternal... love can change/fade over time. You love your partner now... but you don't know every last little detail/aspect about them, and people change. They don't know every last itty bitty detail about him/herself, how can you? Maybe in a few years you two will be forced into a situation that brings a change or brings a hidden quality (not purposely hidden) to the forefront... and you realize that this person wasn't quite who you thought they were. And your love starts to fade. Or die completely. And you grow apart... you realize it's time to stop the relationship. And that's okay. That happens. People change, people grow apart. It's sad and you hope it never does because right now you always want to be with that person... but it's just a fact of life. It might happen.
But if it does, at least you tried. At least you gave it your honest, full, best fucking shot. Maybe you'll stick with the person anyways, help them work what you're going through... and you'll learn to love the person they became just the same or love them even more for it (and they'll love you, too). But a lot of couples don't do that, a lot of couples split at the sign of changes/trouble. That's not for me, though. If I'm in love, it's forever. I'm sticking by my partner. I can't run now, I never can. Once you're already in love, it's too late to run. Because you don't do that to someone. But growing apart and drifting off after years of fun and happiness would be better than running before ever giving it a chance. Better than sabotaging your happiness, better than sabotaging your partner's.
I love you, baby... and I'll never turn my back on you. I'll never run. And if I do, I know you'll drag my ass right back. And if you run, I'll never stop chasing after. I don't care if my knees give out and I'm coughing blood... I'll give everything for you. I love you and I always will. I won't go down without a fight and I'll never give up on us because WE deserve it. WE both do. I love myself and I love you, too... and the people I love are good people, I'll only love a good person. And good people deserve to be happy. We deserve to be happy together. We WILL be happy together. I won't rest until we're the happiest people that ever lived, and the happiest people that ever died... I know I'll be happy even while dying and even in death if it happens with you, in your arms. I'm yours. Forever and always. I can't stop it, I can't end it and nothing either of us say or do can ever stop that. I'll always love you. Always.
It's hard to break out of these habits, even years after you've started bettering yourself and heading down the right path and improving your life. It's hard to break away from ingrained attributes that you learned not just through repetition, but because you chose to... because you felt you had to, in order to survive. And it's good to remember the past... to always be aware of what led you down the wrong path... to know the mistakes you made and never forget so that you'll never go through them again.
No, you should remember. But you've got to let them go. You've got to forgive yourself. Especially when you're in love... Not only do you deserve it (love, happiness, a good life), but your partner does, too. It's not fair to them to force them to watch you go down that same well-trod path of pain and loneliness, making them wish the entire time they could take it all away... make you as happy as you make them, make you as happy as you deserve to be. Because love isn't like other, lesser emotions. It's strong, it's all encompassing, all consuming. But it's also binding. It connects you to your lover. It attaches you... it welds you together so that not only do you never want to be apart from that person, you never really will. Even if you sabotage yourself, and run from emotional success... convince yourself that it's not right and you don't deserve it so it will never work and why tear that great loving person down into your well/bottomless pit of anguish, they'll still be with you.
By trying to avoid hurting them and bringing them down you'll do just that. Just because you want to run at times, that you're scared that you'll make the same mistakes... that things will just wind up bad because that's how things go (life sucks, then you die) doesn't mean she won't follow. Your partner has no choice, but to follow. Because just like you can't force love to start and you can't keep it from starting, you also can't force it to stop. Once that dam cracks, the river's breaking through and you can never rebuild it.
Once you're in love, it's too late to run. The only way to run would have been to never fall in love in the first place, never get close to anyone, never bond beyond simple acquaintances. Because you can't keep it from happening and once it does no matter how far or how fast you run it's gonna stick with you. It's gonna be by your side, it's gonna be in your heart, it's gonna be in your mind. Love doesn't stop. Real, god-honest love is eternal, everlasting. By trying to deceive yourself into thinking you can run, thinking that what's best for your partner is to be as far away as possible... by trying to sabotage yourself and your own success... you're sabotaging hers. And you don't want to do that... You don't want to ruin your partner, you don't want to bring her down.
Now, even though love is everlasting/eternal... love can change/fade over time. You love your partner now... but you don't know every last little detail/aspect about them, and people change. They don't know every last itty bitty detail about him/herself, how can you? Maybe in a few years you two will be forced into a situation that brings a change or brings a hidden quality (not purposely hidden) to the forefront... and you realize that this person wasn't quite who you thought they were. And your love starts to fade. Or die completely. And you grow apart... you realize it's time to stop the relationship. And that's okay. That happens. People change, people grow apart. It's sad and you hope it never does because right now you always want to be with that person... but it's just a fact of life. It might happen.
But if it does, at least you tried. At least you gave it your honest, full, best fucking shot. Maybe you'll stick with the person anyways, help them work what you're going through... and you'll learn to love the person they became just the same or love them even more for it (and they'll love you, too). But a lot of couples don't do that, a lot of couples split at the sign of changes/trouble. That's not for me, though. If I'm in love, it's forever. I'm sticking by my partner. I can't run now, I never can. Once you're already in love, it's too late to run. Because you don't do that to someone. But growing apart and drifting off after years of fun and happiness would be better than running before ever giving it a chance. Better than sabotaging your happiness, better than sabotaging your partner's.
I love you, baby... and I'll never turn my back on you. I'll never run. And if I do, I know you'll drag my ass right back. And if you run, I'll never stop chasing after. I don't care if my knees give out and I'm coughing blood... I'll give everything for you. I love you and I always will. I won't go down without a fight and I'll never give up on us because WE deserve it. WE both do. I love myself and I love you, too... and the people I love are good people, I'll only love a good person. And good people deserve to be happy. We deserve to be happy together. We WILL be happy together. I won't rest until we're the happiest people that ever lived, and the happiest people that ever died... I know I'll be happy even while dying and even in death if it happens with you, in your arms. I'm yours. Forever and always. I can't stop it, I can't end it and nothing either of us say or do can ever stop that. I'll always love you. Always.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Sub Frenzy
This post will probably be a little shorter than regular... and definitely at least more brief than yesterday's.
I wanted to touch on Sub Frenzy, my experience(s) as a sub, and how the two topics apply to my current d/s relationship.
Sub Frenzy, if you're unaware, is basically the eager feeling(s) a new sub is going through when discovering his/her sexuality and how BDSM fits into it... It's understandable... it's exciting to unearth new things you didn't know about yourself and discover who you REALLY are. This can be bad; however, since such excitement, elation, and eagerness can lead subs to make some bad choices. It's not safe or wise to rush into a BDSM relationship... (I sort of feel like it's not safe to rush into any relationship, but especially one where you'll be "playing with fire..." perhaps even literally!) you've got to take some time to really get to know your partner, let your partner get to know you... your likes/dislikes, your limits. You've got to trust one another, you've got to be comfortable in the person's sanity, etc. You don't want someone with hidden or latent psychological problems with little BDSM experience tying you up, then having some traumatic experience triggered and deep issues brought to the forefront and taking them out on you.
After finding someone and having a coffee, a short conversation, and trading 3 emails (many of which people pre-write) with generic information... you don't really know them well enough to let them tie you up and torture you. You've no idea if s/he will respect your limits or push you far beyond them, if they care if they permanently scar and damage you physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
I've said in the blog that I had little/no experience a few times. I wanted to take this time to clarify. I've never had an experience quite like this/so good/so intense. I was in a 3 year (on and off) vanilla relationship that turned heavy d/s / wound up incorporating a lot of d/s elements as we explored each other and our likes/dislikes. Neither of us were "experienced." I suppose I had sub frenzy, then, and I did wind up getting hurt by her again and again. She was no where near as all-encompassing as my current Mistress, no where near as caring, no where near as loving, nowhere near as trustworthy... I could go on all day, but basically take a positive quality of either one of them and that quality on my Mistress far surpasses my ex's. Take a negative quality or fault, and on my Mistress its either not present or much less.
Then, I also had a few hookups with a fairly experienced Domme. But it was just bedroom play. No relationship, no psychological/emotional ownership (no real ownership of any kind. just light, easy play). She knew what she was doing and was comfortable with herself, had a variety of toys, and seemed to genuinely like dominating and even was into some of the fetishes I was. But I have never really been looking for just a simple nsa hookup. I tried it... but it wasn't really for me.
Now I've found my Mistress and girlfriend. And I'm in love with her. Honestly I think I'd have fallen for her even if one of us weren't into BDSM. We have so fucking much in common, we get along so great together, she's just so damn perfect. I know a lot of things I say are quite dramatic and over the top, but that's because I feel quite dramatic and over the top. But looking back on my past experiences (I was into femdom / had discovered BDSM before that first relationship, just hadn't experienced it) I know it's not sub frenzy. Honestly, judging by how I felt about that first relationship and knowing how I feel now, THAT first relationship was sub frenzy. I let her walk all over me and do so many things to me I should have never done... Because we weren't experienced she didn't know how to fulfill my needs and I didn't know how to guide her... She wound up always taking advantage of me and stomping on my heart in the process, but I wound up just staying and taking it.
Anyway. I love my Mistress. I REALLY LOVE her. Every last little thing about her, from her little laugh to the boom of her screamvoice to the curve and smell of her... well, you get the idea. I've got more life and sexual experience than I did in my first relationship, got a better footing on the ground, and feel a lot better about myself and my sexuality.
I wanted to touch on Sub Frenzy, my experience(s) as a sub, and how the two topics apply to my current d/s relationship.
Sub Frenzy, if you're unaware, is basically the eager feeling(s) a new sub is going through when discovering his/her sexuality and how BDSM fits into it... It's understandable... it's exciting to unearth new things you didn't know about yourself and discover who you REALLY are. This can be bad; however, since such excitement, elation, and eagerness can lead subs to make some bad choices. It's not safe or wise to rush into a BDSM relationship... (I sort of feel like it's not safe to rush into any relationship, but especially one where you'll be "playing with fire..." perhaps even literally!) you've got to take some time to really get to know your partner, let your partner get to know you... your likes/dislikes, your limits. You've got to trust one another, you've got to be comfortable in the person's sanity, etc. You don't want someone with hidden or latent psychological problems with little BDSM experience tying you up, then having some traumatic experience triggered and deep issues brought to the forefront and taking them out on you.
After finding someone and having a coffee, a short conversation, and trading 3 emails (many of which people pre-write) with generic information... you don't really know them well enough to let them tie you up and torture you. You've no idea if s/he will respect your limits or push you far beyond them, if they care if they permanently scar and damage you physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
I've said in the blog that I had little/no experience a few times. I wanted to take this time to clarify. I've never had an experience quite like this/so good/so intense. I was in a 3 year (on and off) vanilla relationship that turned heavy d/s / wound up incorporating a lot of d/s elements as we explored each other and our likes/dislikes. Neither of us were "experienced." I suppose I had sub frenzy, then, and I did wind up getting hurt by her again and again. She was no where near as all-encompassing as my current Mistress, no where near as caring, no where near as loving, nowhere near as trustworthy... I could go on all day, but basically take a positive quality of either one of them and that quality on my Mistress far surpasses my ex's. Take a negative quality or fault, and on my Mistress its either not present or much less.
Then, I also had a few hookups with a fairly experienced Domme. But it was just bedroom play. No relationship, no psychological/emotional ownership (no real ownership of any kind. just light, easy play). She knew what she was doing and was comfortable with herself, had a variety of toys, and seemed to genuinely like dominating and even was into some of the fetishes I was. But I have never really been looking for just a simple nsa hookup. I tried it... but it wasn't really for me.
Now I've found my Mistress and girlfriend. And I'm in love with her. Honestly I think I'd have fallen for her even if one of us weren't into BDSM. We have so fucking much in common, we get along so great together, she's just so damn perfect. I know a lot of things I say are quite dramatic and over the top, but that's because I feel quite dramatic and over the top. But looking back on my past experiences (I was into femdom / had discovered BDSM before that first relationship, just hadn't experienced it) I know it's not sub frenzy. Honestly, judging by how I felt about that first relationship and knowing how I feel now, THAT first relationship was sub frenzy. I let her walk all over me and do so many things to me I should have never done... Because we weren't experienced she didn't know how to fulfill my needs and I didn't know how to guide her... She wound up always taking advantage of me and stomping on my heart in the process, but I wound up just staying and taking it.
Anyway. I love my Mistress. I REALLY LOVE her. Every last little thing about her, from her little laugh to the boom of her screamvoice to the curve and smell of her... well, you get the idea. I've got more life and sexual experience than I did in my first relationship, got a better footing on the ground, and feel a lot better about myself and my sexuality.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Small/Simple Tasks, Big Letdown, Huge Consequences, a Plan for the Future
I fucked up again. I failed her, disappointed her, fell short of her expectations... I'm an awful slave and a waste of space/worthless human being. The minute details are unimportant... basically I was supposed to do some simple tasks, then call her at a certain time. While writing her an email, I fell asleep and missed the call time.
This is not the first time something like this has happened. Basically, the majority of my failings come from lack of sleep / falling asleep / not being woken up by alarms. This is not an excuse (there's no excuse for failing my Mistress... My only goal and my only purpose is to make her happy, regardless of what I have to do. I have to get my fucking shit together) but an explanation of the situation. I've always been sort of prone to tiredness / usually require more than the average amount of sleep (9 hours does me much better than 8). I've been getting less than what I really should lately, since aside from the giddiness/excitement of being with my Mistress there couldn't possibly be enough hours in the day to spend with her. She's on my mind constantly, and unless I'm completely 100% spent that also makes it difficult to fall asleep, aside from not wanting to go to bed to spend more time with her.
Well anyways, I got very little sleep last night because I needed to drive a family member from an out of state courthouse back home since his license was temporarily revoked/removed in a neighboring state, so I had to wake up much earlier than usual and stayed up much later than usual with her. So I was ultra-sleep deprived. Driving, especially on the highway, I guess thanks to the monotony, the rhythm, or the vibrations I find very relaxing, and it can sort of lull me into sleep. So I stopped at a dunkin donuts to get a large iced coffee. I don't drink coffee very often, so it will give me an artificial boost / perk me up... make me more alert. It won't, however, if I'm sitting back at home keep me from falling asleep at all. So, while writing my Mistress an email I fell asleep.
Now normally I set as many alarms as my phone will allow (3) as soon as I get instructions. I didn't today because the coffee tricked me into feeling alert... I just jumped right into my tasks wanting to get them done well and in plenty of time for her. Well, my plan backfired as next thing you know I'm being woken up by a VERY pissed Mistress' phone call. I was (and still am) beside myself with anger (at myself for letting this happen again), fear, disappointment, depression, etc. Pretty much every negative emotion you can possibly feel... It's my job, it's my only fucking purpose in life, my only duty, responsibility, etc... to make my Mistress happy and I fucking failed.... it's the only thing I want, the only thing I care about, the only thing I take joy, comfort, solace, pleasure in... The only reason I live and I fucking fail.
Things had been going so good. I was so happy. We were getting along so well. And I fucked it up. I know she doesn't need this. She has so much going on I want to be someone she can come to and be happy with, something she can look forward to, something she can know she will never dread or never be disappointed by. I feel like it would be better to get grueling, arduous tasks that would be IMPOSSIBLE for me to fall asleep during since this is what most of my problems stem from and there is NOTHING... NOT A FUCKING THING I would not do for this woman. If it would make her happy, done. And done with a smile. No matter how dirty, how depraved, how disgusting, how painful, how stressful, how extreme, how frightening, etc...
I'm straight. If it would even make her chuckle, I would choke myself on the biggest cock in New England and gulp down every last fucking drop and moan while doing it. It would damage my psyche, it would destroy my pride, and it would hurt my soul so I know she'd never request it... and that's part of why I love her so much. She's just so fucking great. She CARES. She's a genuinely good person and we've got so fucking much in common... I just want to make her happy so fucking bad. If she told me to jump off her roof because she'd never seen anyone do it, done... If she wanted me to leave visiting a family member I hadn't seen in years out of state, drive to her, pick up a glass of water sitting next to her to raise it to her lips so that she might quench her thirst, I'd thank her for picking me for the task. If she asked me to impersonate one of her family members and get pinched in his place and spend years in jail for her... I would. I'm afraid of heights... if she wanted a skydiving partner I'd jump with her. I've a bee/wasp phobia... if she wanted fresh honey I'd become the best fucking beekeeper in the States for her. If she were always one step ahead of me I'd follow for years in her footsteps, kissing the ground she walked on and feeling blessed just to be where she's been and feel a little bit closer to her. There is NOTHING too big she can ask of me. I would break my "hard limits" for her... i.e. let her do those disgusting despicable fetishes to me (not that she'd want to... but this is hypothetical) or put me through extreme torture and not just grit my teeth and take it, but beg her for it and stay hard through the whole fucking thing. If she became seriously injured and was teetering on the brink of life and death, I'd die myself just to confront God and demand he send her back since she fucking makes the world go round and a life without her in it isn't a life I want to live anyways. It's a meaningless life, it's not really "living" at all it's just survival. It's eating a little here and there, drinking sometimes, breathing. But never being happy. Never trying for success. Never striving to better myself. Why? Because she comes FIRST. Forever and always. EVERYTHING in my life is secondary to her. She's what makes me smile. She's what brings me pleasure. She's what fills my heart with joy. She's what gets me out of bed in the morning. (Really, without her, I'd just sleep as much as possible because I wouldn't want to be conscious without her around). She's what keeps me healthy or, in times like these... the loss of her / disappointing her makes me ill. (I seriously have worried and saddened myself sick. I had just gotten over a very bad tummy situation, and worrying and obsessing about this, crying and carrying on, etc... is starting to bring my symptoms back. I don't feel good, but the physical pain I feel is nothing compared to the pain I'm in when she's not around). She's what keeps my lungs filled with air. She's what keeps me on the straight and narrow. She's what keeps me pushing myself. She's what makes me whole. She's what makes me me. She's what makes me tick. She's the only thing I want, need, desire, care for, live for... etc. She's everything. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Fully devoted. Every last cell in my body is hers.
Unfortunately or maybe fortunately I don't think she quite wants me to go to any of these extremes to prove my love to her... though I gladly would. Though, if she were the type to want me to do such things she wouldn't be what makes her... her.
Until then, I must be diligent. I CAN NOT let this keep fucking happening. I CAN NOT disappoint her again. I WILL NOT. She means too much to me. I've got to redouble my resolve. I need a plan. A solid-surefire plan to keep from falling asleep even if I haven't gotten any in days. This is what I'm thinking (any suggestions would me MUCH appreciated):
1. Any sedentary/sitting/immobile tasks will be done in an uncomfortable position/seat or, preferably if possible STANDING UP.
2. As many alarms as possible will be IMMEDIATELY set upon receiving tasks. My 3 alarm phone is not enough, I need more.
3. As soon as possible I will go to the store and buy several LOUD alarm clocks, specifically made to wake ANYONE up (I've seen ones that are sort of old-styled with the bells, but the bells are huge and they're just obnoxiously loud. I need to find one of those).
4. In addition to setting alarms / until I can buy one of those clocks, whenever possible/applicable I will let someone else know about the time I need to complete tasks, and ask them to check on me and ensure that I am awake, alert, and accomplishing my goals.
5. I will be up front and honest with my Mistress about how tired I am and needing more sleep. I usually don't want to go to sleep because I want to keep spending time with her... But in the long run it would be better for this to last for years because I can remain alert and actually accomplish her tasks than to get a couple more hours a day, but it only lasts for a few more weeks 'cause I keep falling asleep and failing.
6. I will review this list of rules/guidelines with my Mistress and add/edit/delete anything she sees fit as needed, and contact her when I think of other, helpful things to add.
7. I will refer to this list on a daily basis to strengthen my resolve and remind me that success is not an option, it is a NECESSITY.
8. I will always remember that I am replaceable. There are millions of msubs.
9. My Mistress is irreplaceable. I am unworthy of her because she is perfection personified and deserves to be worshiped every second of everyday.
10. My Mistress' happiness is tantamount. I WILL make her happy or MY LIFE is OVER. NO EXCUSES. NO MORE MISTAKES ALLOWED.
Any suggested additions/deletions/edits to this would be much appreciated. I really am lost without my Mistress. I'm not saying it just to gain her favor, appease her anger, impress anyone, be dramatic, etc. When she's not around I worry myself sick, I go out of my mind, I over-analyze everything and every little possible action arouses great anxiety. I need her guidance. I need her wisdom. I need her firm hand. I need to be trained, to be made better... because I'm pathetic. I can't even stay awake to write her an email. This shit has GOT to change. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me, she's made me more happy and feel more fulfilled on so many levels than anything ever before and I WILL NOT just accept defeat laying down, I will NOT just whine about how it makes me tired and I can't help falling asleep. I WILL focus and beat this. I WILL make her happy. I WILL serve her. I WILL be hers forever. I need it. I can't live without it and I won't lose it, I won't waste this opportunity, her time, and I sure as fuck won't hurt her. I can't accept that. I can't let myself do that. I'm a worthless fuck up but this is one thing I can not afford to fuck up. It's just not an option. It's just not something I could live with myself after. I would never forgive myself and I'd always regret it. I need help because I'm not worthy of her and I need her to teach me the way... but I should not be making things difficult on her and I should not be failing her and I need to do everything she tells me to. I have to. I just have to. I can't go on like this. I can't keep doing this.
So please. If you have any suggestions, please tell me. They'll be much appreciated. I'm very new and she's quite experienced, but we're SO good together I have to exhaust every possible effort or whatever... I need to do everything I can to make this work.
This is not the first time something like this has happened. Basically, the majority of my failings come from lack of sleep / falling asleep / not being woken up by alarms. This is not an excuse (there's no excuse for failing my Mistress... My only goal and my only purpose is to make her happy, regardless of what I have to do. I have to get my fucking shit together) but an explanation of the situation. I've always been sort of prone to tiredness / usually require more than the average amount of sleep (9 hours does me much better than 8). I've been getting less than what I really should lately, since aside from the giddiness/excitement of being with my Mistress there couldn't possibly be enough hours in the day to spend with her. She's on my mind constantly, and unless I'm completely 100% spent that also makes it difficult to fall asleep, aside from not wanting to go to bed to spend more time with her.
Well anyways, I got very little sleep last night because I needed to drive a family member from an out of state courthouse back home since his license was temporarily revoked/removed in a neighboring state, so I had to wake up much earlier than usual and stayed up much later than usual with her. So I was ultra-sleep deprived. Driving, especially on the highway, I guess thanks to the monotony, the rhythm, or the vibrations I find very relaxing, and it can sort of lull me into sleep. So I stopped at a dunkin donuts to get a large iced coffee. I don't drink coffee very often, so it will give me an artificial boost / perk me up... make me more alert. It won't, however, if I'm sitting back at home keep me from falling asleep at all. So, while writing my Mistress an email I fell asleep.
Now normally I set as many alarms as my phone will allow (3) as soon as I get instructions. I didn't today because the coffee tricked me into feeling alert... I just jumped right into my tasks wanting to get them done well and in plenty of time for her. Well, my plan backfired as next thing you know I'm being woken up by a VERY pissed Mistress' phone call. I was (and still am) beside myself with anger (at myself for letting this happen again), fear, disappointment, depression, etc. Pretty much every negative emotion you can possibly feel... It's my job, it's my only fucking purpose in life, my only duty, responsibility, etc... to make my Mistress happy and I fucking failed.... it's the only thing I want, the only thing I care about, the only thing I take joy, comfort, solace, pleasure in... The only reason I live and I fucking fail.
Things had been going so good. I was so happy. We were getting along so well. And I fucked it up. I know she doesn't need this. She has so much going on I want to be someone she can come to and be happy with, something she can look forward to, something she can know she will never dread or never be disappointed by. I feel like it would be better to get grueling, arduous tasks that would be IMPOSSIBLE for me to fall asleep during since this is what most of my problems stem from and there is NOTHING... NOT A FUCKING THING I would not do for this woman. If it would make her happy, done. And done with a smile. No matter how dirty, how depraved, how disgusting, how painful, how stressful, how extreme, how frightening, etc...
I'm straight. If it would even make her chuckle, I would choke myself on the biggest cock in New England and gulp down every last fucking drop and moan while doing it. It would damage my psyche, it would destroy my pride, and it would hurt my soul so I know she'd never request it... and that's part of why I love her so much. She's just so fucking great. She CARES. She's a genuinely good person and we've got so fucking much in common... I just want to make her happy so fucking bad. If she told me to jump off her roof because she'd never seen anyone do it, done... If she wanted me to leave visiting a family member I hadn't seen in years out of state, drive to her, pick up a glass of water sitting next to her to raise it to her lips so that she might quench her thirst, I'd thank her for picking me for the task. If she asked me to impersonate one of her family members and get pinched in his place and spend years in jail for her... I would. I'm afraid of heights... if she wanted a skydiving partner I'd jump with her. I've a bee/wasp phobia... if she wanted fresh honey I'd become the best fucking beekeeper in the States for her. If she were always one step ahead of me I'd follow for years in her footsteps, kissing the ground she walked on and feeling blessed just to be where she's been and feel a little bit closer to her. There is NOTHING too big she can ask of me. I would break my "hard limits" for her... i.e. let her do those disgusting despicable fetishes to me (not that she'd want to... but this is hypothetical) or put me through extreme torture and not just grit my teeth and take it, but beg her for it and stay hard through the whole fucking thing. If she became seriously injured and was teetering on the brink of life and death, I'd die myself just to confront God and demand he send her back since she fucking makes the world go round and a life without her in it isn't a life I want to live anyways. It's a meaningless life, it's not really "living" at all it's just survival. It's eating a little here and there, drinking sometimes, breathing. But never being happy. Never trying for success. Never striving to better myself. Why? Because she comes FIRST. Forever and always. EVERYTHING in my life is secondary to her. She's what makes me smile. She's what brings me pleasure. She's what fills my heart with joy. She's what gets me out of bed in the morning. (Really, without her, I'd just sleep as much as possible because I wouldn't want to be conscious without her around). She's what keeps me healthy or, in times like these... the loss of her / disappointing her makes me ill. (I seriously have worried and saddened myself sick. I had just gotten over a very bad tummy situation, and worrying and obsessing about this, crying and carrying on, etc... is starting to bring my symptoms back. I don't feel good, but the physical pain I feel is nothing compared to the pain I'm in when she's not around). She's what keeps my lungs filled with air. She's what keeps me on the straight and narrow. She's what keeps me pushing myself. She's what makes me whole. She's what makes me me. She's what makes me tick. She's the only thing I want, need, desire, care for, live for... etc. She's everything. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Fully devoted. Every last cell in my body is hers.
Unfortunately or maybe fortunately I don't think she quite wants me to go to any of these extremes to prove my love to her... though I gladly would. Though, if she were the type to want me to do such things she wouldn't be what makes her... her.
Until then, I must be diligent. I CAN NOT let this keep fucking happening. I CAN NOT disappoint her again. I WILL NOT. She means too much to me. I've got to redouble my resolve. I need a plan. A solid-surefire plan to keep from falling asleep even if I haven't gotten any in days. This is what I'm thinking (any suggestions would me MUCH appreciated):
1. Any sedentary/sitting/immobile tasks will be done in an uncomfortable position/seat or, preferably if possible STANDING UP.
2. As many alarms as possible will be IMMEDIATELY set upon receiving tasks. My 3 alarm phone is not enough, I need more.
3. As soon as possible I will go to the store and buy several LOUD alarm clocks, specifically made to wake ANYONE up (I've seen ones that are sort of old-styled with the bells, but the bells are huge and they're just obnoxiously loud. I need to find one of those).
4. In addition to setting alarms / until I can buy one of those clocks, whenever possible/applicable I will let someone else know about the time I need to complete tasks, and ask them to check on me and ensure that I am awake, alert, and accomplishing my goals.
5. I will be up front and honest with my Mistress about how tired I am and needing more sleep. I usually don't want to go to sleep because I want to keep spending time with her... But in the long run it would be better for this to last for years because I can remain alert and actually accomplish her tasks than to get a couple more hours a day, but it only lasts for a few more weeks 'cause I keep falling asleep and failing.
6. I will review this list of rules/guidelines with my Mistress and add/edit/delete anything she sees fit as needed, and contact her when I think of other, helpful things to add.
7. I will refer to this list on a daily basis to strengthen my resolve and remind me that success is not an option, it is a NECESSITY.
8. I will always remember that I am replaceable. There are millions of msubs.
9. My Mistress is irreplaceable. I am unworthy of her because she is perfection personified and deserves to be worshiped every second of everyday.
10. My Mistress' happiness is tantamount. I WILL make her happy or MY LIFE is OVER. NO EXCUSES. NO MORE MISTAKES ALLOWED.
Any suggested additions/deletions/edits to this would be much appreciated. I really am lost without my Mistress. I'm not saying it just to gain her favor, appease her anger, impress anyone, be dramatic, etc. When she's not around I worry myself sick, I go out of my mind, I over-analyze everything and every little possible action arouses great anxiety. I need her guidance. I need her wisdom. I need her firm hand. I need to be trained, to be made better... because I'm pathetic. I can't even stay awake to write her an email. This shit has GOT to change. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me, she's made me more happy and feel more fulfilled on so many levels than anything ever before and I WILL NOT just accept defeat laying down, I will NOT just whine about how it makes me tired and I can't help falling asleep. I WILL focus and beat this. I WILL make her happy. I WILL serve her. I WILL be hers forever. I need it. I can't live without it and I won't lose it, I won't waste this opportunity, her time, and I sure as fuck won't hurt her. I can't accept that. I can't let myself do that. I'm a worthless fuck up but this is one thing I can not afford to fuck up. It's just not an option. It's just not something I could live with myself after. I would never forgive myself and I'd always regret it. I need help because I'm not worthy of her and I need her to teach me the way... but I should not be making things difficult on her and I should not be failing her and I need to do everything she tells me to. I have to. I just have to. I can't go on like this. I can't keep doing this.
So please. If you have any suggestions, please tell me. They'll be much appreciated. I'm very new and she's quite experienced, but we're SO good together I have to exhaust every possible effort or whatever... I need to do everything I can to make this work.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
"Coming Out"
The thought (telling people about my "lifestyle choice") has entered my mind a few times. I mean... a couple of my very close friends know I'm into SOME kinky stuff, from joking around when we were all hanging out with each other and ex (or in one person's case, current) gf's. I think it was actually one of the girls that brought it up (women seem to be more open about talking about what they're REALLY into than guys, whereas with men it's all "fuck bitches cum on faces" etc macho persona bullshit. Though I still don't think society (esp. American) is quite so accepting of people choosing to live in bondage as a lifestyle choice or becoming 24/7 slaves... I think it's quite common to experiment with some light kink / light bdsm... tying your partner up/being tied up... that sort of thing.
What worries me about coming out and telling people are reactions I've seen in the past. For example, I've had all my friends stop hanging out with me for quite some time over rumors being spread about my fetishes that weren't true and were more extreme / "gross" than anything I'm into... but you know how playing telephone / schoolgirl gossip is. While I wouldn't particularly care if this happened again (I'd just say, "Fuck them, they don't deserve me for a friend," I would not want them to then think those rumors from years ago were true because I'm in a femdom relationship, then start spreading again and be judged by people I don't even know before I even get a chance to make a first impression.
Another incident that worries me is... Let's say (to protect the guilty) that the couples' names were Don and Carrie. Carrie told us a story that supposedly she had shoved the tip of a dildo (unexpectedly) into Don's ass. Apparently he screamed and fell off the bed. I'm thinking maybe it was a "fake story" to sort of test the waters and see how their friends would react to just a "taste" of what had really happened. Well anyways one of our friends named Jessie freaked out laughing, "AHHAHAH DON TAKES IT UP THE ASS!" never letting it go. I was much less gung ho to make fun of him (I had to laugh a little just at the image) since I wouldn't have minded having that happen to me, and I know what it's like to see all your friends turn on you over something you do (or people claim you do) in the privacy of your own home.
So seeing how people have acted to things that are both fairly tame and fairly extreme... I worry about telling people / people finding out. Which is kind of curious because I have little issue telling them about my Mistress (who makes me oh so happy) and her age difference. I've always hated how sexual liberation and just simply doing what makes you YOU is so frowned upon in much of America. Like... I feel like, similar to homosexuals, I was born this way... it's not a choice. For almost as long as I've known about sex, and certainly ever since I discovered it, I've LOVED femdom. The idea of it, the look of it, the sound of it, etc... And now I love the reality of it... the feel of it... the tastes and smells of it (lol)... But really though. This isn't something I would ever want to change even if I could... I hate how, thanks to society's prudish views I'm forced to feel... not ashamed... but like I should almost hide it from some people and lie to them about it (lie of omission).
I mean like... I don't know if I'd want to tell my family because I'm sure they'll have a hard enough time accepting the age difference, let alone that this older woman's also claiming me as her's/her property, beating my ass 'til it's purple, and fucking my purple ass, too. I can't possibly understand all the persecution gays go through, just for their choices and doing what makes them happy. But I feel like I got a taste... and I'd never want to reveal anything about my Mistress she doesn't want revealed, or show people a side of her she doesn't want shown... But I think it's sad we've got to hide who we are... because she's AMAZING and we're great together. Hell, it makes me want to put a show on with her downtown lol... But really I'm sure she wants people in my life to like/respect her, so... I keep my little slut mouth shut until she tells me to open it for her :P.
What worries me about coming out and telling people are reactions I've seen in the past. For example, I've had all my friends stop hanging out with me for quite some time over rumors being spread about my fetishes that weren't true and were more extreme / "gross" than anything I'm into... but you know how playing telephone / schoolgirl gossip is. While I wouldn't particularly care if this happened again (I'd just say, "Fuck them, they don't deserve me for a friend," I would not want them to then think those rumors from years ago were true because I'm in a femdom relationship, then start spreading again and be judged by people I don't even know before I even get a chance to make a first impression.
Another incident that worries me is... Let's say (to protect the guilty) that the couples' names were Don and Carrie. Carrie told us a story that supposedly she had shoved the tip of a dildo (unexpectedly) into Don's ass. Apparently he screamed and fell off the bed. I'm thinking maybe it was a "fake story" to sort of test the waters and see how their friends would react to just a "taste" of what had really happened. Well anyways one of our friends named Jessie freaked out laughing, "AHHAHAH DON TAKES IT UP THE ASS!" never letting it go. I was much less gung ho to make fun of him (I had to laugh a little just at the image) since I wouldn't have minded having that happen to me, and I know what it's like to see all your friends turn on you over something you do (or people claim you do) in the privacy of your own home.
So seeing how people have acted to things that are both fairly tame and fairly extreme... I worry about telling people / people finding out. Which is kind of curious because I have little issue telling them about my Mistress (who makes me oh so happy) and her age difference. I've always hated how sexual liberation and just simply doing what makes you YOU is so frowned upon in much of America. Like... I feel like, similar to homosexuals, I was born this way... it's not a choice. For almost as long as I've known about sex, and certainly ever since I discovered it, I've LOVED femdom. The idea of it, the look of it, the sound of it, etc... And now I love the reality of it... the feel of it... the tastes and smells of it (lol)... But really though. This isn't something I would ever want to change even if I could... I hate how, thanks to society's prudish views I'm forced to feel... not ashamed... but like I should almost hide it from some people and lie to them about it (lie of omission).
I mean like... I don't know if I'd want to tell my family because I'm sure they'll have a hard enough time accepting the age difference, let alone that this older woman's also claiming me as her's/her property, beating my ass 'til it's purple, and fucking my purple ass, too. I can't possibly understand all the persecution gays go through, just for their choices and doing what makes them happy. But I feel like I got a taste... and I'd never want to reveal anything about my Mistress she doesn't want revealed, or show people a side of her she doesn't want shown... But I think it's sad we've got to hide who we are... because she's AMAZING and we're great together. Hell, it makes me want to put a show on with her downtown lol... But really I'm sure she wants people in my life to like/respect her, so... I keep my little slut mouth shut until she tells me to open it for her :P.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Crazy, Obsessive Love
What do you think constitutes crazy/obsessive love?
Is it defined by how the couple feels about each other? Like one is necessary for the others existence, that without her he'd be completely lost... clueless as to how to function on even a simple day to day level. Or if she threatens to leave for just a day or two... he starts crying. Maybe that she thinks he's a dirty little slut, baby boy, boytoy, worthless, inadequate, etc... And he thinks she's an angel, divine, perfection at its finest, a gift to humanity by the Gods.
Maybe its your interpretation of their "mental health," seeing them and/or what they do as crazy. Like scaring people to death pretending to be abusive parents with realistic baby dolls (holding them out the window on the highway and wiggling them around, yelling "Yayyyyy... whhheeee!" Or making scenes in public at tourist attractions, scaring away mothers and their children. Doing mischievous and scandalous things together... a little vandalism never hurt. Surely, instead of going out on average dates... going out and slashing some tires by candle light must be crazy love, right?
Or maybe its their "intimate" moments, their dynamic in private no one ever sees? Like getting aroused by one partner forcing the other to wear a buttplug and a diaper all day, even if others will see it like at the beach / in public changing rooms / gym / doctors' offices. Or wanting to be spanked until one partner's ass is purple... and both parties actually enjoying it to the point they're driven wild. Locking themselves in the house and spending days in a row performing various bedroom antics and acrobatics... interacting with no one but each other and interacting only sexually for 72+ hours... that's not normal, is it?
If they fit together like puzzle pieces... to the point where it seems like maybe they were Adam and Eve in another lifetime... one was made perfectly for the other... So similar that if she likes something, he does too. If she likes doing something to him, he loves having it done... and vice versa... Such similar interests that whenever you see them they're smiling and laughing (unless he's been bad, then one's groveling and the other screaming) because they've never been bored together and they never will.
It could be how much time they spend together... as if they're joined at the hip. Inseparable. If they can't be physically together they're on the phone, or emailing... to the point where they're maintaining some sort of contact almost the entire time they're awake. Since they're so similar that they don't need alone time, 'cause being with one is like being with yourself, but only better. That must be crazy!
Or if every little experience, every little sickness, every little event, every little interest that they have in common just lines up so perfectly that they are convinced it was an act of God that brought them together, that the stars aligned, that it's fate. That might make someone come off as a little out there.
What about age difference? Already being a bit taboo and living an alternative lifestyle, two people with twenty years between them come together in a union of the unlikely, the abnormal, the strange, the beautiful, the powerful, the loyal, the dedicated.... and give such bliss to each other that sometimes, one or the other often cries just out of happiness.
What if all these things are true? If all these things come together to make a romance so strong, so breathtaking, so fulfilling, so just absolutely wonderful in every way that even when one makes the other mad, there's still love and devotion in the actions and that the less "strong," without his rock to lean on, will forever fall into depression and despair. Maybe this is crazy. I don't know. But if it is... I've gotta be diagnosed insane. Because I am so fucking in love, completely and fully devoted. I never want to lose her, and I think things are gonna be just fine as long as we're together.
Is it defined by how the couple feels about each other? Like one is necessary for the others existence, that without her he'd be completely lost... clueless as to how to function on even a simple day to day level. Or if she threatens to leave for just a day or two... he starts crying. Maybe that she thinks he's a dirty little slut, baby boy, boytoy, worthless, inadequate, etc... And he thinks she's an angel, divine, perfection at its finest, a gift to humanity by the Gods.
Maybe its your interpretation of their "mental health," seeing them and/or what they do as crazy. Like scaring people to death pretending to be abusive parents with realistic baby dolls (holding them out the window on the highway and wiggling them around, yelling "Yayyyyy... whhheeee!" Or making scenes in public at tourist attractions, scaring away mothers and their children. Doing mischievous and scandalous things together... a little vandalism never hurt. Surely, instead of going out on average dates... going out and slashing some tires by candle light must be crazy love, right?
Or maybe its their "intimate" moments, their dynamic in private no one ever sees? Like getting aroused by one partner forcing the other to wear a buttplug and a diaper all day, even if others will see it like at the beach / in public changing rooms / gym / doctors' offices. Or wanting to be spanked until one partner's ass is purple... and both parties actually enjoying it to the point they're driven wild. Locking themselves in the house and spending days in a row performing various bedroom antics and acrobatics... interacting with no one but each other and interacting only sexually for 72+ hours... that's not normal, is it?
If they fit together like puzzle pieces... to the point where it seems like maybe they were Adam and Eve in another lifetime... one was made perfectly for the other... So similar that if she likes something, he does too. If she likes doing something to him, he loves having it done... and vice versa... Such similar interests that whenever you see them they're smiling and laughing (unless he's been bad, then one's groveling and the other screaming) because they've never been bored together and they never will.
It could be how much time they spend together... as if they're joined at the hip. Inseparable. If they can't be physically together they're on the phone, or emailing... to the point where they're maintaining some sort of contact almost the entire time they're awake. Since they're so similar that they don't need alone time, 'cause being with one is like being with yourself, but only better. That must be crazy!
Or if every little experience, every little sickness, every little event, every little interest that they have in common just lines up so perfectly that they are convinced it was an act of God that brought them together, that the stars aligned, that it's fate. That might make someone come off as a little out there.
What about age difference? Already being a bit taboo and living an alternative lifestyle, two people with twenty years between them come together in a union of the unlikely, the abnormal, the strange, the beautiful, the powerful, the loyal, the dedicated.... and give such bliss to each other that sometimes, one or the other often cries just out of happiness.
What if all these things are true? If all these things come together to make a romance so strong, so breathtaking, so fulfilling, so just absolutely wonderful in every way that even when one makes the other mad, there's still love and devotion in the actions and that the less "strong," without his rock to lean on, will forever fall into depression and despair. Maybe this is crazy. I don't know. But if it is... I've gotta be diagnosed insane. Because I am so fucking in love, completely and fully devoted. I never want to lose her, and I think things are gonna be just fine as long as we're together.
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