I'm Bad and Need to be Punished! Do you?

Fellow subs, question... Do you enjoy it when your Dom/me punishes you?  Not "punishes" you when roleplaying, I'm talking REALLY, genuinely punishes you because you've been bad.  If sok 


...It's funny, before ever getting into a real d/s relationship with a real domme, I used to fantasize about it.  I used to watch the BDSM porn (lol... just seems humorous/silly to me now, sort of the way I'd imagine a real combat survivor would look at episodes of the A-team where they fire millions of shots and everyone always escapes unscathed, but the environment gets FUCKED up) read the sex stories, etc.  The "punishments" they gave their slaves always seemed enjoyable...  Like the domme would say, "You've been bad, it's time for me to punish you," and say... sit on his face smothering him, or give him a spanking (but not so rough and brutal his ass turns purple... usually anyways) or whatever major fetishes were included in the video.  Some of the femdom stories on a bdsm site I used to go to would get pretty extreme, and some of those punishments were just sick (you know stuff like extreme mutilation, the gross stuff I don't want to mention), stuff that would make me not want to really be in a d/s relationship.


Because of seeing these either very weak/enjoyable punishments in BDSM porn videos and either very weak or ultra extreme punishments in BDSM stories I was always nervous about getting into a d/s relationship... I didn't want to get a Mistress that wanted to enact those ultra extreme punishments that would essentially be breaking my hard limits.  I knew if I was gonna do it I needed a loving, caring Mistress, since I've no interest in personal injury, especially if it would cause some permanent damage.  But, because of all the ultra-weak punishments, I always thought I might try to get my Mistress to punish me, or make things worse when she was.

Now that I'm actually in a d/s relationship with my Mistress (and though she's caring and sweet, I also tremble at the thought of making her angry.  Really, she's the perfect combination of harsh and tender) I wouldn't DARE intentionally piss her off or take action that would make things worse if she were already punishing me.  Her punishments are definitely not enjoyable while going through them... But they're sort of a reward in their own  way... During them I get really upset, terrified, sometimes (or maybe usually?) I even cry... and not just like a manly tear rolling down my cheek... no it's more sobbing like a child crying.  But I can't help it... it tears me up inside in so many different ways... knowing I let her down/that I failed her and didn't make her happy, seeing her so angry (which really is frightening, I can't explain it), knowing the physical pain I'll endure.  But also a sense of gratitude that she's taking the time to punish me, to train me, to guide me... knowing that despite wanting to do whatever I can for her to make her life easier (like household chores, yard/garden work, taking care of animals, doing paperwork, etc) when I'm bad it makes things harder on her, that she's willing to put in the work to make me a better slave even though I'm so worthless.


In the heat of the moment, I generally want it to be over as soon as possible since it's so painful, but afterwards I learn the error in my ways and often grow and change from the experience.  At the very least try to use what I learn to tiptoe more carefully in the future to not have a repeat event.  It's usually not until later, after the punishment is over and we've got our normal/usual dynamic back that I can reflect and understand why she was mad and what I've to do to change it.  I can be a defiant person / resistant to change and I'm trying to get past it / learn to just surrender and not resist her because I really don't want to make things hard on her.  I love her.  Truly... and I see how hard she works and how much she does for other people and feel like she deserves to have easy, stress-free times, but if I don't honestly understand why what I did was wrong [other than you know, that she said so and she knows best - she does] at a base level I don't want to just give up.  I want to know, to learn, so I can avoid making the same mistake again and can truly appreciate / grow and learn from the punishment so that it doesn't have to be repeated).


But yeah... her punishments are often rife with both emotional and physical pain... It's hard to take much, if any, sexual enjoyment from them.  I certainly don't.  Maybe if I was emotionally unattached or I was just meeting her on a weekend every once in a long while for some sexual satisfaction it wouldn't be quite as bad.  I'm sure I'd still fear her wrath - I get an almost Pavlovian effect when I hear her angry, even if it's not directed at me.  If she's yelling at someone else or other pets (non-human pets lol) I jump and get worried and sometimes even shake a bit 'til I can make out what she's talking about, and breathe a sigh of relief when I find out it's not me she's mad at, but remained concerned.  I just wish she were happy all the time.  So that's got a big part of not wanting to induce/cause/purposely egg her on into punishing me.  She deserves to be happy.  I want her to be happy, I need her to be happy.  If Mistress isn't happy, I'm not happy.


So, do you fuck with your dom/me, aka try to get him/her mad?  What's your least favorite punishment?  (Mine is when my Mistress just leaves me alone.  It's so simple, but whenever she does I'm a wreck.  I miss her so bad, I don't know what to do without her.  I can't function, I just keep thinking about her and how she's mad at me and hoping she'll come back.  It's seriously torture.  Like Abu Ghraib status treatment.  Honestly I think I might rather be at Abu Ghraib than be in a world without my Mistress).