Bleak and Blue

When I'm with Mommy I'll usually wind up black and blue (I can be quite mischievous at times so I'll usually do SOMETHING that will incite an irate reaction out of her at least once a week... plus she likes reddening and purpling my ass even when she's pleased with me) and every color between - some I didn't know even existed in the spectrum, much less on skin - but when she's away I'm bleak and blue.

Being with her's definitely an emotional rollercoaster and while most people say that like it's a bad thing, in this case I think it's a good thing.  It's not like she treats me badly or abuses me and then claims to love me so get that notion out your noggin'!  It's like... when I'm with her I'm so happy I'm ecstatic, no drug can compare... but then when we're apart I'm going through severe withdrawal starting with a harsh comedown... Yet other time's if I'm going through something difficult or stressful I can just think of her, how much we love each other, and how lucky I am to be with her and it will get me through the day.

If I know what Mommy's doing / where she'll be / at least that she's okay it's not too bad.  The worst is when we're apart and I can't reach her on the phone, email, text, etc...  if I go a long time without hearing from her my mind starts going into overdrive imagining the most horrific scenarios possible.  Like, "Oh my God!  A 50 foot asteroid could have crash landed 100 feet away from her and in an effort to be first on the scene she was PANCAKED by a firetruck!  Soon I'll be called to identify the scraps that were wiped up with a squeegee, NOOOOOO!"  I've a vivid imagination and while I know this is jejune if I don't hear from her (and didn't know she had things to do) I begin to worry and come up with every possible scenario that could be happening (most of them negative) because she'll usually at least pick up and say, "Babyboy I'm busy I'll call you back."  At least if I hear that I have some solace.

But even if I know what she's up to and that she's a-ok, I still have a hard time functioning without her.  She controls me so completely that if I complete all my tasks, orders, chores, and then everything I could possibly assume she might want me to do, I just shut down and wait / stare at the wall.  I used to do leisure activities like watching television, reading, playing computer games... no longer.  I just can't concentrate.  I'll focus on the activity for 30 seconds or so before my mind drifts back to my Mommy and I've got to rewind, reread, and reload.

It's sort of like I no longer have my own mind, my own free will.  I'm not a human controlled by his brain, I'm an ant or worker bee controlled by his Queen / hive mind, and Mommy's my queen / hive mind.  When I can't communicate with the hive it goes hectic, and I try as hard as I can to get back to the hive because it's all I want and know.  It's my only purpose, to please, protect, and work for the good of the "colony," in this case our d/s relationship / my Mommy's happiness.  The best thing I can do in this situation is try to get some sleep - so that I'm alert and active when Mommy comes back around (we often don't get much sleep at night when together, she has a tendency to ride me ragged).  It puts my mind at ease, it's not racing driving me nuts thinking about her and pining over her constantly to the point where I can't do anything else if I'm sleeping.  Granted I will dream about her, but it's a more peaceful/calming obsession with her than a waking one.  Now, if I know where she is I like thinking about her - it makes me happy, often I'll be walking around with a goofy smile plastered on my face.

However if she left pissed off without telling me what's going on, or I just simply don't know where she is / if she's healthy and happy or laid out in a ditch, it's miserable.  In this situation no matter how hard I try I can't sleep and I'll often worry myself to the point where I become physically ill.  Mind you, this is extremely out of character for me I've never worried about anything half as much as my Mommy's welfare.  Perhaps it's unhealthy, but she's got such a firm grip on me and my mind I can't get her out of it no matter how hard I try.  If I think she's mad at me / ignoring me and worrying if she's okay it will often move me to tears, which is also very out of character I only used to cry when someone close to me passed and even then just a little / in isolated incidences.

It's like, she's the reason why I do everything.  She's the reason I'm writing this blog, she's the reason I'll write poetry, the reason I shower, eat, sleep, drink, piss, shit, brush my teeth and hair, work, etc etc etc so without her it's like I've no reason to live.  So when I start thinking, "Oh my God, maybe something happened to her," not only do I not want to see her ever endure any pain again because her happiness is the most important thing to me, but I start thinking what life might be like without her and it horrifies me.

So, even though this is a rollercoaster of emotions... I like it.  I like that someone can still make me feel so strongly even after I had given up on love.  That she's so powerful... she was like a defibrillator to my heart, she brought the icy rock it had become back to life, back to a warm ooshy gooshy pile of lovins.  Even if it's pain or worry or sadness I'm feeling at least I'm FEELING.... prior to her I had become just so fucking numb, never sad but never really happy either.  Now I'm experiencing both, albeit in extremes, but I think it will level off in time when I get more used to being without her (it's still a new experience to me we spend so much time together and when we're apart we generally both know what the other's doing / when we'll be home etc).

But yeah... she made me feel things I'd never thought I'd feel, that I never knew existed.  She's brought me to heights I'd never dreamed of and lows I never knew I should fear.  She's truly the most powerful force in my life and I don't want to ever lose it... a life without her isn't a life at all it's just an existence.  It's like watching a romance movie with just one character... a love story of a man and his hand.  Lol seriously though I know she's the alpha and omega.  I know there can be no other after her and there were none before her.  (I had relationships, but now that I see what a relationship with REAL meaning is... those were nothing).  She's my world.  My life.  My everything.