A Weekend In Paradise (Intro/Part 1)

(No sexual stuff yet in this part, just a setup for what's to come.  Based on real experiences with my Mistress. [Though not in the same way movies are "based" on a true story.  This is 100% true, but dialogue may not be accurate to a T/exact words.  And mundane stuff like doing laundry or cooking etc is left out]).

Driving on 40-55 speed highways for a half hour in order to avoid tolls and dealing with narrow lanes and narrow talent Mass-hole drivers drains my energy, but not determination.  Despite such resolve, anxiety, jitters, and anticipation attacks my system full force as I pull onto my Momma's street and stop.  Of course there are only resident spots available and not visitor, but I'm too excited to drive around searching -  I just HAVE to see her.

Fluttering fingers fumble with my phone's buttons for a few moments, forced to delete and reenter numbers several times until I get frustrated and hold down the 1 button to speed dial her.  It's apt... since that's what she is to me, Number One.

"Momma, I'm on your street!  I'm parked at the intersection of Mabel and Chief."
"I'll be right there, Babyboy."

She had finally invited me to stay at her home, for a whole weekend no less!  Excitement bubbles in my belly, along with the butterflies.  In a feeble attempt to quell them, I plant my left foot on the floor of my Hyundai, bouncing my knee so rapidly that if someone sat on my lap they would be as likely to vomit as if riding a rollercoaster on a full stomach.  With sweaty hands and shaky palms I smoke a cigarette to calm my nerves; watching, waiting for her to waltz on over.  Every time I see an umbrella bob above car roofs down the street, my heart leaps in my chest - only to be repeatedly disappointed.  I knew she'd make me wait... I smile and imagine her procrastinating until I called her and told her I was close to start getting ready.

While lighting my second cigarette I wind up dropping my lighter... There she is!  Long, dark red hair sways in the wind with every sultry step she takes - walking, as always, with purpose.  Those thick, luscious lips curl into one of her equally heart-melting and alluring smiles.  Adorned in comfortable clothing, she's as sexy as ever - I'm a firm believer in it's not about what's being worn, but the wearer.  A simple black hoodie and jeans - but damn do they show off her full hips and lovely legs.

I pull out of my parking spot both to pick her up so she can show me a safe place to park and to keep her from having to walk all the way over, as much as I'd love to watch.  Each movement has a grace and confidence seldom seen in most women - she's always full of fabulousity.  When next to her I stop and lean over to push her door open.  She sits and I can't help but stare somewhat awkwardly, smiling from ear to ear.

"Come here,"

Looping her finger into the O ring on my collar, she pulls me towards her and our lips lock in a passionate, firm kiss.  Her tongue slips in, slides against my own, and swirls around inside my mouth, before parting with a light smacking sound.

"So... whaddya think, Babyboy?"

In a hoarse voice I almost croak, "Perfect as always, Momma!"

After bringing her to a local bakery to pick up a cake (since it was my birthday), we park back on her street and she gives me a small tour of her neighborhood.  The whole time I'm thinking, "Come on... come on... wanna go back to your place.. come on.  Oh I don't wanna talk to this person...  Fuck that monument!"  Not that it wasn't a nice neighborhood, and I wasn't interested in JUST sex... but I could not wait to spend quality time with my Mistress... one on one time... after being apart so long.  After what seemed like ages we walked back to her place.  She opened her door and gave me such a sexy look from over her shoulder, and beckoned me in....

(To be continued)

Fear and Worry

It's natural for we humans to feel fear and apprehension, especially when heading into the unknown.  We often fear what we've never experienced.  Now I had had some healthy fears going into this, and my Mistress has dispelled all of them save for the unavoidable (fear of being without her/losing her, and fear of her wrath).

As a virgin, I was terrified.  Not of being hurt physically, not of not liking it... I love and trust my Mistress and know she takes care of me better than I ever could.  But since I had saved my virginity, since I didn't just want to throw it away in some little scene with a stranger or with someone who wouldn't appreciate it, I was worried about it.  I didn't want to give it to her - something so permanent, something I could give to no one else once it's gone, something I'd never get back that would always be hers -  if she were just going to leave after.  But I'm not scared anymore.  Because I know my Mistress better now, I know that she's not a virgin-hunter and that she won't fuck just anyone.  If she fucks me it's to make her happy, but she seems to not want to just throw it away... or take advantage of me/hurt me for no reason and I'm so eternally grateful for that.  I trust her.  I love her.  And I can't wait to give myself to her... now knowing I'll never get it back makes it that much better.  I want to be hers forever, I want my Mistress to always own me and even if she decides I don't deserve her and that she'll cast me out (which I pray never happens), I don't want to ever be able to get her out of my head.

I was also afraid of being hurt again.  I've been hurt so much before... as a submissive, most of my ex's and the women I've tried to be with didn't know how to handle that... and would take advantage of it.  Would use me and abuse me and throw me out.  And not sexually, not for the purposes of domination and not with any kind of... I don't know, trust or understanding... They'd just hurt me pointlessly, just because they could not because I deserved it.  And while I'm hers to use and abuse, she's not doing it for any ulterior motives.  I had set up barriers, walls, defenses.  I had never wanted to give in again, never wanted to love someone again.  And while they were useless against her and I found myself falling for her even while I was terrified of it, terrified of the possibility of being hurt again... I felt like that was a good thing.  Because if you can be hurt that means you care, and if you can care that means there's still hope.  But my Mistress will take care of me.  My Mistress comforts me, calms every storm, and rights every wrong (the wrongs of the world and of my past, she's never wrong).  She's so beautiful inside and out I know she won't take advantage of me... and I know if she crushes me it's because I deserve it because she's not a cruel bitch, she's a just, kind, stern, powerful woman who will do whatever she wants and that's how it should be.  I accept it.  I accept her.  I don't want to fight it, I know I cant.  I've opened the gates, laid down the walls, and her warmth has filled my heart.  Never have I felt so good, so whole, such belonging, as I have serving My Mistress.  Beneath her feet, bent over in front of her...it's where I always want to be.

A Letter to My Mistress

Here's a letter I wrote my Mistress:






Dear Miss ____,

I miss you so much already and it's only been a matter of minutes.  My roomie just got home so I said hi as quick as possible, shooed the dogs in her direction, and ran off to my room to jump headfirst into a daunting task... How can someone like me, unworthy, pathetic, a worthless whore... impress perfection?  What impresses the best?  Could Michael Moore impress Martin Scorcese?  I think not.  Yet I think you for the opportunity, for allowing me the attempt, for giving me an outlet for my emotion instead of just laying in bed, tossing and turning thinking about you and wishing you were here, wishing I could talk to you, wishing for you to even torture me (and not in an enjoyable way), to force me to do things I don't like just to be with you.

Imagine, for a moment... that my sex life / love life, or whatever is physically embodied... manifested... a tangible representation of the intangible.  It's a playground, a giant, sprawling playground.  And every woman I've ever had a fleeting thought about, even just a fantasy is there.  English teachers, actresses, porn stars, my hookups, my flings, my ex's... they're all there.  And you're there too, but you can instantly tell there's something wrong with the picture.  You look out of place, you're not like them.  They swing on swings and slide down slides, playing schoolyard games like hop scotch, double dutch... gossiping and starting drama and pulling each other's hair, vying for my attention in vain.  It's hopeless.  Pointless.  Futile.  There's only one I care about... An adult amongst children.  A shepherd amongst sheep.  A queen amongst peasants.   A Goddess deserving of worship and servitude.  When you speak, you demand attention.  When you act, you command respect.  They start crying, bawling like the babies they are before you dismiss them and they leave, forever.

They're gone.  They're gone because of you.  Because no matter how many I meet, all of them combined couldn't even hold a candle to your love's light, its warmth.  It's just me and you on this playground... free to do as we please.  The way I've always wanted it to be.  And the world IS a playground for you, Miss, isn't it?  It's rare someone can do whatever they want, the world powerless to stop them because she's so powerful.  I've never seen it before and I know I'll only see it again by seeing you again.  And I want to see you again and again.  I want to be in your playground forever, to serve you and love you.  Learn from you and yearn for you.  I never had many role models, I never had many lovers, and there aren't many people I've respected absolutely... someone I'd carry out their every request or demand unquestioningly, lovingly even.  I've never had a teacher, a role model, a lover, and a heroine all in one, let alone also be the best in every category hands down.  

I've never felt such a sense of belonging as I have at your feet, Miss _____.  Anywhere else I feel out of place.  It doesn't feel right.  It's uncomfortable, I don't want to be there, and I constantly long to get back to my place, my home beneath you.  I worship you and aspire to emulate you because although I know I'm infinitely unworthy and no one could ever be like you let alone someone as insignificant as myself, I know imitation is the greatest form of flattery, the highest display of gratitude.  So I beg you Miss _____, please.... oh Goddess please please please.... for the sake of all that I am, for the sake of my future, for the sake of having meaning and purpose... please keep guiding me.  Teaching me, pushing me, testing me, molding me, and owning me.  Fully, completely... Mind, body, heart, soul, existence, past present and future.  I want you to have it all.  I want to be yours.  I long to be yours.  Without you, I'm alone in a pointless playground, with every distraction like swings and slides broken and dilapidated.  But even if they were in great condition as they were now, it would be ruined without you to experience them with me.  I always want to be by your side... but I know I'm not good enough so I pray to be under your feet.  To bend for you, to break for you, to bend over for you, to cry for you, to vie for you, to die for you.  Miss _____.  I'm yours, completely and helplessly.  Always and forever.

Love and Punish,

R,

Any suggestions?  Thoughts?  Part of what I love so much about my Mistress is the tenderness...  It's not all beatings and punishment... she's very kind, too.  Beyond just the obvious like, "You're so kind for just giving me a chance, for even speaking to me, for beating me," etc...  She's just genuinely a great fucking person and it keeps me feeling constantly blessed.  

Fellow Male Submissives (and female dominants): Keep those hopes up!

I just wanted to let my fellow male submissives to stay chipper and keep looking.


Some Backstory (if you don't do intros): I'm a 23 year old msub with only a little bit of experience. I'm definitely not some pathetic excuse for a man claiming to be a submissive because I've got some tentative femdom fantasies, thinking I want everything from being fucked with a strap-on to being shit on (gag), but when it comes time to put up or shut up I puss out, never actually going through with anything... just talking via email or phone and diddling myself to the mere idea of pathetically attempting to please a woman I'll never be worthy of. These men deserve nothing less than euthanization. They make it that much harder for real subs and real dommes to find each other and blossom.


Anyways... after a vanilla LTR that turned d/s ended years ago, I had basically given up hope of ever finding anything close to that. What with all the prostitutes claiming to be dommes, and the kids wanting just one night stand scenes and hookups so they can fulfill some weak fantasy and forget about it... it seemed like I'd never find a woman that truly wanted to own me, control me... mentally and physically, inside and out. I'm not someone who has any interest in vanilla relationships. I've had success picking up girls... I'm not hideous, I'm not so socially awkward I can't hold a conversation... I just have no interest in it. So I turned to CL to try to find what I was looking for. For years, I found inadequacy after inadequacy, or found my responses unanswered after being asked what I'm looking for.


Recently, I'd entirely given up hope. Just going through the motions of day to day life. Not really caring, not really trying. There wasn't anyone for me out there, so why care? Why try? I couldn't have been more wrong. I had all but given up browsing websites looking for a domme, but this past week I decided to look at the ads again, more to amuse myself than anything, but of course deep down I hoped... prayed. (Not that I can't get a girl IRL, but I've no interest in vanilla relationships.  It's a waste of time to me, and it's kind of hard to be like, "Hey are you into female domination," and not get slapped before wasting hours getting to know a woman well enough to actually ask her about her sexual desires, only to find out like many others my age she'll claim to want a "nice guy," but what she really wants is to be treated like shit).  Next thing you know, I'm talking to a domme who is everything I could ever look for or want in a female. She's older, and into younger men. She doesn't want some silly NSA encounter, She's so intelligent she's using words I've got to look up and I'm a freakin' writer! Not only is she wild and kinky, but she understands and is the embodiment of femdom going beyond just whips and leather, cuffs and sextoys. She's so deep in my head a brain surgeon couldn't get her out... before even expressing an interest in her I was thinking about her constantly... Now it's like I'm walking on a cloud. I've got purpose again. Someone to serve, someone to make happy, someone to put above myself. I'm so unworthy, but yet so lucky. It's like God looked at me and said, "Oh, stop moping already, it's pathetic. Here bro, check this shit out... BAM, MOTHERFUCKER!  Whatchyoo think of that?" Her influence over me is so pervasive and all encompassing I'm starting to think SHE might be God.


I don't know. All I know is if I can be so blessed (I'm an average guy... meager means/employment [she's no fuckin' whore! but it's nice to be comfortable and I wish I could give her everything she could ever want], average looks, average height, average endowment (not that it'd be any use to her anyways), average body, etc.), then so can you. Keep looking. Keep hoping. If you're a good person, I gotta believe you'll be rewarded. And you should hope you're as good as I apparently am, because this reward... Un fucking touchable.


And I find one of the craziest parts is that we met online.  I mean it has the advantage of cutting to the chase about what you're looking for, but... most cites... are just such cesspools.  So few femdoms.  Millions of msubs.  It's like a match made in heaven.  I really believe it was meant to happen.  It's so rare.  So unique.  She knows me completely and wholly, even if I wanted to I can't get her out of my head.  She knows how I feel before -I- do!  She knows my wildest dreams and fantasies.  She's introduced me to things I've never thought about, but now wind up being some of my HUGEST turn ons.  It's not just sexual either...  I've got a new favorite (maybe not #1 all time, but all time top 10) comedian thanks to her...  she's expanding my tastes in music - I never bothered to listen to french music, but it's lovely!  She's encouraging my writing (case in point, this blog) and I so desperately needed practice after a years-long hiatus...  It's like I've been running around with a blindfold locked onto my head and she has the key and removed it for me.


So not only is it so rare for an msub to find a great femdom who's actually looking for a real d/s relationship... But one so perfectly matched for him?  So intricately connected?  The more I find out the more I love.  We've shared so many similar (yet unique) experiences, separate and at different times.  It's like we've always been together, just separated by a thin veil we had to break through.


Now I know MSubs are a dime a dozen.  We're everywhere.  But like her, I'm real.  I lack her experience and expertise... but I give good oral... I'd like to think I'm at least adequate in bed in general... I've got good stamina and can follow direction fairly well (Wouldn't dare touch myself or cum without permission, wouldn't dare try to take a more controlling role, etc), I'm not looking to be shit on or hideously maimed, etc.  But like her I too was looking for something REAL.  I was looking to REALLY submit.  COMPLETELY surrender control.  Not just for an hour or two while some tramp walks on me and slaps me and then sends me on my way, I want a real connection with someone.  I want to fall in love like anyone else.  I just happen to want to be my love's boytoy... her Bend over Boyfriend.  Her bitch.


I don't think it's too often you find a guy, who, with little d/s relationship experience and at a young age, is willing to commit so fully.  Most have just watched some videos and jerked off thinking they'd like it... But even if watching turns you on you really don't know 'til you're there.  It's all good and fun to fantasize about it until your mistress' ass is on your face backed by ~75ish pounds (since the legs aren't included) of superstar status woman and you wish you could breathe but your lungs, nose, mouth tongue, and jaw ache so good and she's not letting up even as you push back against her with such futility.  I think *most* guys would be in way over their heads.  My Mistress is definitely intimidating.  Not only is she way out of everyone's league in personality, style, grace, poise, looks, intelligence, etc... But she's powerful.  Strict when necessary, but so loving you want her to punish you when you deserve it.  Not because it's a fetish, but because you're REALLY sorry that you disappointed her, and grateful for the training she's given you to the point you'd weather ANY storm.


In the shortest time I've ever experienced I was hooked, caught, gutted, fileted, grilled, and served.  I'm like putty in her hands.  And I'm falling for her...  Never have I had feelings so strong so fast.  It's like love at first sight... which I always thought was bullshit... but then again, what do I know?  Without her, nothing.  And that was a conclusion I came to without her.


I'll give anything to her... Especially my virginity.  (I've had "vanilla intercourse," but I've never been penetrated save for some light fingering).  Now on paper I'm sure that sounds so erotic, hell I've masturbated to the thought before of giving up my virginity... But it's not something to give up lightly, to anyone.  It's something that requires trust.  Dedication.  Honesty.  Love.  It's not something I'd just throw away which is why I still have it.  I'm hers.  Truly.  It's not just a fantasy.  It's not to sound good.  It's fact.  Reality.  I am hers, mind, heart, body, soul.  (Ass? :P).  I want to be her bend over boyfriend.